"MAKEOVERS FOR INMATES"

People often say to me, "Erin, you have too much time on your hands" I say, "NOPE, I'm not even wearing a watch DUMMY, you are!!!"...So clearly, you are the one with "time on your hands" not me! I wouldn't say that you have "too much" time on your hands though, cause you're only wearing ONE watch.  If you were wearing two or three watches, THAT'S JUST TOO MUCH, now isn't it?!....so here I am with NO TIME ON MY HANDS, writing these blogs, why? Because I love to write and I love to think (even though sometimes it hurts a little.)  Why is it that just because I am doing something that I love, people think that I'm doing something that shouldn't be done?  Do I have to do something TERRIBLY BORING to earn the right to do something that I love...( I mean I do IRON, doesn't that count?)...I have to do things that I love to stay happy and for those of you with TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS...TRY doing something you love every now and then and quit thinking that it's wrong....unless it actually IS WRONG, like don't go stealing a car and smoking a whole mess of drugs and then when the cops come you throw your hands up and say, "HEY Erin told me to do something that I love and she even said that it's NOT wrong"...Then we are both in trouble...and I don't wanna get arrested for telling you to do something that you love...Plus, could you picture me in jail??  OMG, I think I would die...I would probably get beat everyday, and called names, and forced to join a gang, and pull one pant leg up, and tie a bandanna around my head with some bad a$$ braids, all while limpin with a gangsta lean, just to look intimidating!  AND What if I had to get a tattoo???

Then when the guards were done ruining my life, the inmates would have their turn to hate on me...I have a feeling none of them would like me very much, but maybe I could sway them with an AWESOME MAKEOVER DAY, what girl wouldn't love that???....I'd stand on a chair while we are in the lunch room? mess hall? dining room? ...(screw it, whatever the place is where prisoners eat) and I'd yell...... "ALRIGHT, LISTEN UP...put your teeth back in B1TCHES, we are having A MAKEOVER DAY" and they would all perk right up and stop hating on me, cause they are girls and girls like that! And if those jerky guards wouldn't give us any cosmetics and makeover paraphernalia (<---that's prison talk for makeup brushes and tweezers) then we could use our food with natural dyes (cause them b!tches gotta feed us)...... we could squish up our raspberries and put it on our lips for lipstick (FUN) and we could take beets and squish those all to hell too (no one eats beets anyway...GROSS) and use it for blush, We could grab some dirt from the play field? outdoor time area? play ground?...(whatever the hell they call that place where they let you stand outside and tan for a while, I see it in movies)...anyway, we could grab a buncha dirt and add water to it and do mud facials!!! And I could make a SHANK out of my toothbrush (isn't a shank where you turn regular stuff into makeup brushes?)   THIS WOULD BE SO FUN!!!!!...So please PLEASE please the next time you do something TERRIBLE tell your arresting officer that I said it was OK, so I get arrested too! ...Omg, I almost forgot!!  That's right!!!!!..... I wouldn't go straight to jail, I would need to be arrested first! I would be arrested, hand cuffed, and told all about Miranda's rights!....Do you think it would be offensive if I asked my arresting officer to keep his hat on and talk in a really sexy deep voice?????.....ohhhhh this little daydream JUST GETS BETTER AND BETTER!!!!

 WOW!!!!!!!  My arresting officer looks exactly like  Enrique 'Iglesias and why am I smiling, this is supposed to be TERRIBLE! I think I want to RESIST ARREST! Just DON'T TASE ME BRO!

Written by: Erin Kenaan

My poor husband

Every morning Paul reads my blog and I know this, so I feel bad, after all we are married..... I AM NEVER EVER SUPPOSED TO THINK ANY OTHER MAN ON THE PLANET IS ATTRACTIVE and truth is.......... I DON'T (PAUL DON'T READ THIS.....I'm lying) I don't EVER notice good looking guys EVER (PAUL DON'T READ THIS....I'm lying) I only look at men for this blog and the whole time I am ONLY thinking about the women reading it and what THEY would like to see (EVEN I CALL BULLSH!IT on that one) (ummm, I don't think I can actually call "bullsh!t" on MYSELF can I? Is that allowed????) Well whatever,  I FINALLY got "THE CALL" that I have been expecting since I did the house cleaning post.....and it went like this......

Paul: Erin, I read your blog again this morning and holy sh!t is that all you do all day is look up guys on the Internet? Really Erin...OMG, you seem to have a problem! Do you need help?
Me:  Ummm what???  No Paul that isn't all I do, did you not notice the clean house, the yummy dinner, and the clean clothes???   You know what, FINE!!!!!!  You want me to look up other things....FINE.... HERE YOU GO, JERK!!!!

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Me: ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!!!  OMG this is DUMB SH1T!!!!..... I NEVER EVER wanna look this up again.....OOooooOooohhh wow, geez, look at her...well, zippity doo dah....she's hot...oh yay.... BIG WHOOP!!....... and MOVING ON!!!!!
Paul: Wow you're right, she is HOT, Erin, SMOKIN HOT and THAAAAANK YOOOOU!!!!!
Me: OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS???  EEEWWW She is a DOG look at her, she's all......um gross cause....um she has like........all these nasty and she even has some weird mark near her......ummmmmmm....AND,  WHATEVER JERK, ARE YOU DONE!!!??? I hope not PIG, cause I got 2 more hot girls for you...this time in bikini's!!!!....YOU LUCKY BOY!

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HAVE A GREAT DAY....I LOVE YOU!



Sad no pants guy meets BROWN BEAR!!!!

Did anyone else notice that this blog is also supposed to be about "PARENTING"..... you know, like "children and stuff"...... but somehow it turned into a HUGE exploitation of MEN!!!...KINDA LIKE THIS PICTURE.....Why is that even there???...

WHO CARES WHY IT'S THERE, JUST SMILE CAUSE IT IS!!! 

OK, now that I got that outta the way, lets talk about a guy I ran into on a recent hiking trip...I never did catch his name as I was slightly distracted by BIRDS.... birds and bees......maybe THE birds and THE bees....I'M KIDDING, I didn't even really run into this guy....(hanging my head in shame) it's just a picture from GOOGLE :( But lets pretend for a minute that I did run into this guy on a hiking trip cause it's WAY more fun than the truth, which is..... I'm sitting here conjuring up this big huge fabrication for entertainment purposes, while listening to birds chirp, drinking my coffee, and searching Google for good looking men so you pigs have something to look at!!....I feel like a slave to the MAN, except I'm pretty sure that most of you are females, so actually I'm a slave to the wo-MAN....and YES, I'm livin the wild life!!!

Speaking of wildlife..... this is the guy I was referring to from "MY HIKING TRIP"  and look, this poor guy seems REALLY REALLY DISTRAUGHT, whats with the sad face??!!  He looks Kinda irritated too!  I don't think his sorrow is from being EXPLOITED though, cause he isn't being EXPLOITED AT ALL, not by me at least. This poor fella CLEARLY found himself in an UNFORTUNATE SITUATION. I mean look, HIS pants just fell RIGHT DOWN, that would make me IRRITATED too!!  If I was hiking through the rain forest (like he is OBVIOUSLY doing here) and I was wearing camouflage pants (as to blend into nature) then, AWW CRIKEY!!!! My damn pants just FALL DOWN and I'M SPOTTED by all the wildlife and they run off because my BRIGHT white unders are blowing in the breeze! I would be sad too...POOR GUY! He must have some pretty mean friends, taking a picture of him all sad and exposed :( I actually ran into one of his so called friends and I wanted to ask him why he did such a mean thing to sad no pants guy but....I WAS DISTRACTED by his outfit........

WOW, that's quite a get up!!!  This is "BROWN BEAR" he found his own way to blend into nature, he doesn't need camouflage pants like sad no pants guy...as he has a lovely plush MAN SWEATER!!!  BROWN BEAR chose to blend in with the animals and he did a FINE JOB of it!  Where as, sad no pants guy tried to blend into the trees and stuff and we saw how that panned out for him. Or maybe "Brown Bear" just didn't want to have a "wardrobe malfunction" like sad no pants guy did, so he left his "WARDROBE" at home...Whatever his reasoning, this guy is actually pretty lucky...not only does he NOT have to carry a blanket for when they finally decide to call it a night and pitch a tent but, he doesn't have to share his blanket with anyone EVER!! I'm pretty sure no one would even ask but, if they did... he WON'T look selfish when he says NO!

The conclusion is..... Wear your man sweater with pride after all, it could be worse, you could look like a model whose pants fell down!!!!

Some things that keep me up at night

Last night Paul and I were talking and I used the proverb, "Every cloud has a silver lining" the next hour was spent wondering where these dumb phrases come from!.... Proverbs are actually some of the stupidest things in the English language...while we are on the subject of the English language, can someone please explain the word "Colonel" to me...(WHERE IS THE R???)

Lets dissect some of these proverbs shall we........
1. High on the hog? ...UMMM, excuse me if I'm wrong here, but HOGS are "low" ...shouldn't it be "high on the giraffe" or "high on the elephant" or even "low on the hog"....WHO MAKES THIS STUFF  UP??? Wait a minute, scratch that one,  I have seen people "HIGH on HOGS"....

2. A penny saved is a penny earned...I call "BULSH!T" on this one too, I found a penny the other day and all I did was PICK IT UP, I didn't EARN anything, I didn't work for it, it was JUST THERE! and PLUS, what are you SAVING a penny FROM?? Is someone chasing it, does someone want it dead???? FREAKIN WEIRD if you ask me!!!
3. You don't know what you got till it's gone....That's absolutely INCORRECT....You don't know what you got...Cause you don't got SH!T, it's gone!!!...If it's gone, you got NOTHING and I'm pretty certain that you would KNOW that!
4. (to lighten the mood cause I'm getting a little angry here)....OHHH look, a HOT guy.......




I KNOW I KNOW I tricked you and I'm sorry but, listen, I google different types of  "hot guys" all the time to find pictures for this damn blog ....we will call it "RESEARCH" and  I don't mind it one bit, until HIM that is... he is what came up when I googled "hot SMART guys"...REALLY!!???  Is this what we are left with if we don't like DUMB GUYS!!! I have to write to Google about this, cause I'm pi$$ed! ...Here's a proverb that I made up myself..."You don't know that you're tanning if you're wearing a shirt and you look like George Bush Senior!"

 5. An apple a day keeps the doctor away......UM NO THANKS.....GET THE DAMN APPLE AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!




I THINK I FEEL A COUGH COMING ON!!!!!  no really, "cough cough, ouch!!!" and my stomach hurts too, and I think I have a fever, oh and a rash.....this may take a while!!


6. Absence makes the heart grow fonder...No it don't, it makes me miss your stupid a$$!!!!
7. A friend in need is a friend in deed...So lemme get this straight....if my friend needs something then she becomes A BETTER friend?.....HUH?? SCREW THAT!!!!  A friend in need, probably wants to borrow money....I then become "A friend with NO PHONE!!"
8. Cheaters never win and winners never cheat....HeLLLLLO, Did you see Tiger Woods?  He was WINNING WINNING, DUH!!!!!!
9. Don't cross that bridge till you come to it...ummmm CROSSING it BEFORE you get there is not even possible!!!!!  I swear these things make me DUMBER!!!!
10. Don't put all your eggs in one basket...What in the hell am I supposed to do then...carry 12 baskets around the grocery store??...THAT'S JUST DUMB!!!  I don't think I can go on.....I have had enough STUPID for one day!

FINE, OK OK....I'll help you dummies try to score!

I stopped at the store to pick up my Cosmo magazine from behind the cardboard blocker that it's hidden behind cause the titles are so RISQUE' and I giggled to myself thinking, "hmm this is like PLAYBOY but for girls cause the only things behind cardboard blockers are BOOBS and BUTTS....and COSMO!!!"  One could then call this..."GIRL PORN" which differs EXTREMELY from "guy porn"... like, in EVERY way possible!  YES, you are about to get schooled on "GIRL PORN" if you are too mature or too sophisticated for this...you just log off right now, pour yourself some tea, eat a couple crumpets, and wait till about 3 pm, cause I'll be over to kick your A$$ promptly at that time....So now that the grown ups have left the room... Lemme explain some things that are clearly GIRL PORN (but most girls won't ever admit this)....If there are any guys reading this, first, Lemme say, I'm shocked!!!  I'D HATE ME!!!  but GREAT!! ...Pay close attention. Second, take notes, go ahead and grab a pen and some paper, I'll wait!!

GIRL PORN......
1. The movie Dirty Dancing....If you guys acted like "Johnny"  HOLY HELL!!!!! EVERYONE WOULD HAVE  9.5 children running around...No really!!! Watch this movie with your girl...make one pass at her and BAM...She's yours, I promise...oh yeah, and pretend that you want to watch it cause you like how the girl stands up for herself, TRUST ME!
2. The movie Pretty Woman....DEAR GOD, if you guys acted like Edward...I'd have 4 of you! Watch this movie with your girl and pretend that you really feel for Julia Roberts in the shopping scene and don't talk about how hot VIVIAN is..... EVER!!  But instead, speak of how HAPPY you are that she is getting herself out of that lifestyle and finally has some stability (yes, I want you to lie) .....then, hand your girl $50 and BAM...I'm telling you....it will work!!! (yes, it's kind of like paying for sex....SO WHAT!)
3. Romance novels....Stop shaking your head like those aren't GIRL PORN....IT'S GIRL PORN, like it or not!!!....PLUS, "ROMANCE" is in the title EVEN!!!! If you boys were all romantic like that,  no girl would ever say "No"....EVER! Be gentle and sweet to her like these guys are and pretend that you give a sh!t what shade her lipstick is and how her hair flows in the beaming sunlight strand by strand until it gently rests upon her flawless bare shoulder......YUP, a guaranteed GOOD NIGHT!


 


Ummmm since this is the ONLY picture I could choose to add for the Romance novel..I have to put a warning for the ladies..... "Never sleep with a guy that has "Mullet" in his name or even worse HAS A MULLET!!!"....I can't even believe this is a Romance cover...this CRAP would read more like a COMEDY to me, phmf ...some guy with a "mullet" named "McMullet"!!??....If he tried to come near ME with his "McMullet" he'd pull back a "McSTUMP!!!!!"

 
 The reasons you men would never do the things on my list.....
1. You think dancing like Patrick Swayze danced in this movie is not masculine.....WE WOMEN ARE TELLING YOU FOOLS,  WE LIKE IT!!! DEEERR... who cares what your homeboys think when you are trying to score! YOU lie to WOMEN all the time, just lie to them and tell them you said something REALLY PIG-ISH and it FINALLY worked!!! Their dumbasses will probably give you a high five, a stupid laugh, and tip their 40 ouncer to ya.... (DAMN guys are dumb, after this blog, it's back to talking with you ladies, you guys ARE IRRITATING!)
2. You don't want to run a big ole company just to get a girl like Edward did (I actually don't blame you on that one...You're off the hook here)......and hopefully you'd never let a hooker get in your car (I see you squirming... and I heard the rumor about you last summer......GROSS!!)...ok, so judging by the amount of uncomfortable men I see,  most of you are ALMOST an "Edward" and it's because you'd let a HOOKER get in your car...DAMMIT....WHATEVER!!! AUUUGH MEN!
3. You would never act like the guys in Romance novels cause you don't wanna wear tight pants and ruffly shirts and have a sissy name like "Fabio"....WELL,  AMEN to that!!!  (I understand that one too and nor do we want you to look like a homosexual pirate)....Thank god, but if you could act all romantic every now and then....it may be helpful, just sayin!
4. And as far as the Cosmo magazine goes, who are we fooling, this is the only one of these things that you guys are even willing to try, cause it's the easiest.... it ONLY costs you $5 and a tiny bit of embarrassment at the store buying a magazine with titles like..."How To Tell If He's Really Into You and Flat Out SEXY Sandals For Spring!!" but push that embarrassment aside boys and let her read it and she's yours and you'll be happy too...lots of pointers in there but, BEWARE of the "ROMANCE QUIZZES" they are set up to make you look like TOTAL JERKS!! and clearly you're not!
In summery, If you can't get lucky with MY help, then I guess you're screwed...Actually, you're NOT screwed..you're the OPPOSITE of SCREWED, You're UNSCREWED!! Yeah, so if you can can't get lucky with MY help, then you're UNSCREWED!

Freezin A$$ cold

Them bastards got tricky throwing a nice warm day in the mix STRICTLY to confuse me.  NO, I'm not narcissistic, I just believe that it is all for ME or all against ME! ......I like to pretend that the the weather man makes up the weather and he alone decides what the temperature is going to be for that day, kinda like picking out your clothes....this way I have someone to be really PI$$ED at when the weather doesn't cooperate with me. It would be HORRIBLE to be all angry and not be able to direct it at SOMEONE!!  And trust me CHUCK DATIKA, if you and I ever cross paths, you will have some stories to tell!!!  I try to not get angry with people but how can one forgive the winter we had???  I CAN'T!! And now you're gonna tease me by giving me one day to tan, bbq, and watch my kids enjoy the sunshine...then you think you're gonna take it all away (what did I ever do to you?)  and you think you get to walk away scott free????....awww HELL NAWW!!!!!! Get the word out Chuck Datika...You and all your little sissy weather man friends are bout to get an old skool a$$ kickin FO SHO!..(pssst whispering to you), Hey guys, this wouldn't count as a death threat to Chuck Datika would it? I don't want the FBI on my a$$)

WHY CAN'T WE HAVE WEATHER MORE LIKE THIS??????

 

WHAT!!!!???  I'm just kidding, I don't want that weather mans "WARM FRONT!!!"

I'm weird and I'm ok with it

People wouldn't guess that I like nature trails and hiking cause they wanna stereo type me...NOPE, you can't!! I'm not stereo TYPABLE (is that a word?) I would hop on the back of a 4 wheeler on a rainy day and get covered head to toe in mud and love every minute of it and I would go to a fancy restaurant all dressed up while sipping on tea and crumpets (WTH are CRUMPETS???? I never did find that out yet!)  I don't fit any mold, so quit trying.  I'm just "weird" so stereo type me as "weird" and expect the unexpected ...hmmm but then it would be EXPECTED though if you "EXPECTED the UNEXPECTED"  (scratching my head...SHIT!?!? ...I did it again...I'm sooo lost) OK , END OF SUBJECT......Just don't think that you know my next move cause you don't!!  HA!...I just did a "karate MOVE" at the computer...you didn't expect that did you??...NOPE! and  I know you didn't cause that's UNEXPECTED!!...And plus I don't even know karate SO YOU REALLY WOULDN'T EXPECT THAT, CAUSE IT'S NOT EVEN SOMETHING I CAN DO!

Here's something else you didn't expect........

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How do I know that you didn't expect that???  Cause it has no relation to what I'm talking about AT ALL ...and.....OMG! I know what you're thinking and................... STOP IT! 

WOW, Lets just call this little story OVER WITH!!! ....YOU PERVERT!!! I only threw this in here because it is UNEXPECTED!!!  This poor guy just strolled out of the water and wants to dry off and all you are doing is sitting there drooling over him like he's a piece of meat...I'M SURE HE HATES THAT, he never asked for this!!!!!!  I'm sorry really hot guy with ripped abs and a gorgeous face and perfect skin, I cannot be held accountable for what these PIGS are thinking!  (poor guy, I should prolly call him and make sure his feelings aren't hurt)...JERKS!!!

STUPID Guns....I'd rather be SHOPPING!

Husbands make us wives do some pretty weird things......I have had to sit through sporting events and even cheer...I never knew what in the hell I was cheering for...I just cheered for the cutest team or the colors that I like best! I try to make the best out of EVERYTHING!  Whenever everybody else stood up, I did too. I'd scream and try to do that whistle thing that you do with your fingers in your mouth.... I Never did perfect that damn whistle but, I could swear real REAL GOOD...and I'd scream cuss words at them stupid a$$ GOALIES that robbed us of the TKO...STUPID A$$holes...Grrrr!!!!  Really though, I was COMPLETELY CLUELESS...I tried hard though, real hard...All I wanted was for my husband to be HAPPY!......He NEVER seemed happy, EVER, he always tugged my arm gently (looking at me with a pathetic sad face) and told me to sit down and then he would thank me kindly for trying

(he looked kind of embarrassed really) 

I tried lotsa stuff...I remember when I was 19, I went on my first business dinner with him...Paul told me to act sophisticated "ummmm, YAY RIGHT!"  That was even harder to do back then than it is today and it's pretty damn tuff today!...The waiter set a glass of wine in front of me (assuming that I was old enough to drink being I was on a business dinner...UMMMMM.... NOPE)  AND SLAM ......AND CHUG........ AND GONE!.....I got elbowed under the table really really hard, (I bet I'm still bruised!) anyway, the guy we were with started sniffing the wine cork (weird and dumb, I still think that's really dumb!) I looked around hoping no one saw how STUPID this guy was acting!!!..... I will never SNIFF a wine cork, if I want to know if the wine is good....I WILL TASTE IT!.....Besides, Boones Farm has a twisty cap and boxed wine doesn't even have a cap or cork,  it has a valve and I'm NOT SHOVING A VALVE UP MY NOSE!!!  Anyway Yes, Paul makes me do all kinds of weird things like I said, his newest weird thing that I have to follow along with while kicking and screaming is, GUNS.... I resisted at first, then I finally realized that I can bank all these weird a$$ things that he makes me do and maybe one day I can cash them all in at once and make him wear a dress, and paint his nails, while we shop together ♥ Wouldn't that be fun!?......The first time that we were going shooting... I thought, "YUP, I'm going to be great at this and cute too and I'm going to put these men to shame with my mad shooting skills...PIECE OF CAKE!!!"....I  pictured myself like this...

.....Awww....I thought I looked darling with a machine gun.....I was even thinking of making something like this my next Christmas card  ♥♥♥...YAY RIGHT, BULL SHIT!!...DARLING????.... NOPE!!!!! ...We went shooting....HOLY CRAP!!!!  THAT'S SCARY!!!!! There is nothing cute or adorable about shooting a gun, AT ALL!!!!...I didn't even want to hold the thing....Knowing  that you are using something that if screw it up EVEN ONCE, you or someone else (hopefully someone else) could DIE, is SCARY AS HELL!!!!  Needless to say, I couldn't control the gun, the kickback was so strong that it blew my shirt clear off my body and threw me back into the trees ....I wish it would have killed me or at least knocked me out .... then maybe this picture NEVER would have surfaced...SHOOT ME PLEASE!!!!!

 

1,000 hits

My blog just passed 1,000 hits ..... Apparently, some people like stupid people that............

1. Ramble (So if yellow and blue make green what does pink and GLITTER make?)
2. Talk about NOTHING (which socks am I going to wear today...hmmm?)
3. Swear (SH!t, A$$, DAMMIT, DUMBA$$ ) <----that was fun, it was like MINI turrets...TRY IT!!!) 
4. Insult them (you know you're dumber than me, right? and plus, your hair looks kinda dumb like that)
4. Trail off into other things (Ooooh...LOOK A BIRD)
5. Act inappropriate (I can't add anything here as I do not wish to call myself out like that)
6. CAN'T COUNT (derr, I put 4 twice!)


Well, I'm glad you like it, I just wish my Creative Writing professor would have liked those things too, maybe then his dumbass would have given me a better grade than an A+....WHO DOES A GIRL HAVE TO SLEEP WITH TO GET A better....ohhh whoops WRONG CLASS!!!!!...Hang on, I know someone tried to sleep with the students.......(mumbling ONLY to myself)...which professor was that? ...hmmm.....Oh Oh OHHH, it was my "FILMS" professor that wanted "A$$ for an A" as I liked to call it ...he was so gross, he should have made an "A$$ FOR AN A" sign for above his door, he tried to sleep with everybody, he was so hard up! hahaha...he was the one that looked like "Colonel Sanders" too, no wonder he couldn't get a$$.... but he could get BREASTS...."CHICKEN BREASTS"...OMG, did I really just say that?!...hehehe.... that was so cheesy, I am ashamed of myself,  I'm so glad that I only said that in my head!............. I'm back, sorry I trailed off for a minute there! It was not my Creative Writing professor that wanted "A$$ for an A" it was my "FILMS" professor....my Creative Writing professor is the one that smelled like cigarettes and beer and I am sorry for the insult "Mr. Whatever your name is" you NEVER tried to sleep with your students. However, being you were so HIGH all the time, you may not have realized that you do owe me an apology.  As you were breathing down my neck telling me to rearrange my paragraphs, I had to hold my breath EVERY DAMN DAY,  cause you reeked of  POT and H2O...I never should have listened to YOU anyway...I'M CLEARLY SMARTER!  YOU CAN'T SMELL LIKE "H2O" DUMBA$$...... THAT'S WATER!!! I learned that in high school chemistry class...and they say if you don't use it you lose it..WELL.... I DIDN'T LOSE THAT ONE, NOW DID I??!!

$%&*^^%$ Bikini's...!!!!!

This is what happens when MEN are left to design clothing!!!!

  %%&$$* Thanks JERKS, way to to make us women feel even more self conscious than we already do...PIGS!!!

I'd like to also thank the makers of hot fudge, chocolate cake, Twix, chocolate chips cookies, and Swedish Fish for making this bikini seem so far away!  While I'm on the subject of bitching about things that I love ALOT but they DO NOT LOVE ME IN RETURN....."THE FOOD AT CHRISTMAS"...I curse you!!!  You were the start of this damn downward spiral!!!

If I were to put on this bikini right now...I promise you, it would LOOK like this! This was last year right after Christmas!

(Ok ok maybe I didn't look like this, but I sure felt like this!)

Thanks again Hersheys, Reeses, and STUPID MEN (sobbing) .....WHY why why can't SWIM SUITS look more like SNOW SUITS????????!!!!!??

AND WHAT!?!?

Ya so I've been gone....what are you gonna do about it? I'd like to say I was gone cause I was saving babies or rescuing the world from evil but those are lies....I have not been blogging because I GOT A LIFE!!!  Just kidding, I still don't have a life...my life is Facebook right? I have heard the rumors....ya buncha jerks!!!....But let me tell you that I can juggle all kinds of stuff....like a lot...Facebook, friends, kids, husband, blog, email, taking the kids to their after school activities....I even cook dinner everyday and my house is clean, my pets are fed, the beds are made, the shopping is done...weird huh, it looks like I just sit here on facebook all day getting dumber!!  NOPE, I sooooo got this!!! ....See I juggle many MEANINGLESS THINGS THAT GET ME NO FARTHER IN LIFE, I do believe it's my calling to amount to ABSOULTY NOTHING!! It's pretty non-important being me...I'm not changing the world or building big companies....I'm just making sure my little piece of the world is all lined up correctly!!!!  While I juggle a lot of things...although, I can't juggle like really juggle though...like juggling balls or torches (then I'd be farther in life, I'd be like a magician or a clown or something super awesome like that)...well, I could juggle balls but I'm not very good at it......WHAT!!!....OMG!! Did you think I meant THOSE balls???  Not in that way...PIG!!!...I meant "balls...balls"... Like actual balls!!! You're so immature, talking to you makes me feel like I'm talking to my 13 year old...EVERYTHING has a HIDDEN meaning...For example, yesterday we went to "Dicks" Sporting goods and that kid had a FEILD DAY!!...(chuckling) he asked me why I needed DICKS? ...then, "Which DICKS are my favorite??"  And my personal favorite question....(he said with confidence) "Why do "I" need DICKS when I already have one???".....WOW!!!!....Yes, I got dumber after that.... WAAAAY DUMBER!!!!!!.....So unless you're going to deal with me with a high level of maturity like I deserve, being I am so highly sophisticated, then just leave me alone!!!...I'm too MATURE for jokes of this nature and I won't laugh hysterically while grabbing my stomach cause it hurts from laughing so hard while my face turns red and I can't breath!!! And you know what else???? ......If you could PLEASE keep your mind on the topic for a minute here, this might just read a little easier....Just a little piece of advice for you....cause every time you read these things I notice that you spring off into other things! Now you see why I quit blogging....You guys NEVER understand me!!!!  EVER!!!!  And you take everything I say and twist it into something stupid, dirty, or just plain WRONG....I QUIT YOU!

And the truth shall set you FREE

A few things that make me wonder how exactly I picked my friends, cause sometimes I feel alone on this planet

They Have Believed

1. They have believed.....That I got LOST in my own neighborhood...NEVER happened!!!....I got lost about a mile from my house, NOT in my subdivision! I said "my own neighborhood" just because it sounded funny and now I'll never live it down!
2. They have believed.....That I thought PIG LATIN was an ACTUAL language...I guess if you tell a friend that you would be JUST FINE in a foreign country because you know "Pig Latin" you better not sound so convincing...you better giggle when you say it or she may think that you are for real and that you will say, "cusemea, oda ouya owna erewha the toresa is?" To find the closest store.
3.  They have believed.....That they DIDN'T look fat in that dress...SHE LOOKED HUUUUGE!!!! (kidding, I would tell the truth, unless of course she wanted me to lie, but how would I know that?  Who ever says "Do I look fat? Lie to me!".....Ohhhh....OK, NOW I GET IT....You're just supposed to lie)
4. They have believed.....That I wasn't sure if Bobby was actually mine. We would need a DNA test!...(ARE YOU KIDDING ME?)
4. They have believed.....THAT I HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE......Cmon, do I look dumb to you.... NO REALLY, how about when I close one eye ?   Do I look dumb now? Whatta bout now...I have my eyes crossed and I scrunched up my face ..Do I look dumb now?



Things I have heard friends say to me that made THEM look REALLY STUPID!!!

They Have Said

1.  They have said...Erin, you're dumb!
2.  They have said....Erin, are you serious?
3.  They have said....Erin, you CAN'T do that!!!!
4.  They have said....Erin, did you sleep with my brother?........THAT WOKE YOU UP DIDN'T IT!!!  That never happened....WOW.... YOU'RE DUMB! Now don't go believing that I did sleep with someones brother, cause then I have to put it up in the "They Have Believed" part of this.....Although, I guess I did sleep with "SOMEONES" brother...PAUL does have a sister but, she never has asked me if Paul and I have slept together???????...I guess I'll just wait for her to confront me on that one, I HOPE SHE'S NOT MAD!

It's still science bitches! 10 points for me!

As you know, I don't exercise my brain much, unless it is ABSOLUTELY necessary....this is one of those times.......My perfume ran out...GONE!!... DEAD!!.... EMPTY!!...So I bought more but, it didn't smell the same AT ALL!!!  This may seem like small potatoes, but it bothered me!!! (not small potatoes, like "my perfume smells like small potatoes" that would be gross...I don't wanna smell like small potatoes)  Anyway, I know they didn't change the formula (<--big sciencey word 5 points) because I called and asked. Something was definitely different though!!!...I have been wearing this scent for years and I LOVE IT! I can't just let this be! So using the scientific mind that I have, I pondered (<--big word, 5 points) how this could be and what are some possible variables (<---HOOLLLY SH!T, I SOUND SMART, 10 pts) that could have changed the scent...It must be something I did...hmmmm.... I thought about this alot.....maybe my body chemistry changed therefore, changing the scent (<---that just sounds REALLY extra smart, 15 points)...but, nope that's not it!!  LIGHT BULB MOMENT!!!!!....OMG...I get it....I have 1 bottle in my house and 1 bottle in my car....the bottle  in my car smells BEAUTIFUL but the bottle in my house smells  BORRRING!.......MEANING... a chemical change has occurred with the perfume that's in my car because of the temperature change that occurs in my car (<----YUP, THAT'S ALL ME, call me Einstein and give me 20 points)...so I took my "house" bottle of perfume and put it in the car so that it can go through this same chemical change (<---scientific words...20 points)....and you know what ....IT DID!!!!...SOOOO not only did I figure out the issue but, I have a unique perfume that NO ONE ELSE HAS!!!  HA!  It's still science BITCHES!!!  It's just the only kind of science that I care to figure out!!! ...........YES, I'm kind of a big deal! You all better watch out..... if I ever decide to become the first female president.... you all will smell like candy and life will be based on a points system... for example, my "smart points" equals 85...for today and my "cool points" are always way too high to calculate!!

BE BOLD.... so I don't miss stuf

Seriously, stores need to get it in gear...... I'm getting really irritated with the way they are handling their clearance items these days and I'm about to write a STRONGLY worded letter!!!!

I had to go to 2 stores yesterday to make some UNNECESSARY returns!!!!!.....At the first Store, I bought Bobby... A GREAT baseball bat.  I was so excited...it was normally $60 and I got it for JUST $12.... THAT'S GREAT!!!!!....That is until Paul saw it and read the label, and told me that it was actually a softball bat and it was for GIRLS...DAMMIT!..........I blame the store for not having it properly labeled so that I could see that part...shouldn't that be in BOLD print somewhere above the bats???  Maybe even a lit sign.... oh yes, like a lit flashing sign that reads, "GIRLS BATS---GIRLS BATS!!!!"

Then the second store, I bought Mary an adorable pair of shoes, normally $20 for just $5..... THAT'S GREAT, they were so cute!!!! .....That is until I tried to cram her size 13 foot into a size 12 shoe......DAMMIT!........I blame the shoe store for not having those properly labeled either....like, on the SIDE of the shoe...I mean really....Who looks inside and on the bottom of a shoe for the size?? NOT ME!)

To top off these QUESTIONABLE sales techniques.... when I left the 2nd store, I couldn't get into my car, my unlock button was BROKEN! I struggled, and fought,  and pulled the handle, (I kept thinking of that song "I whip my hair back and forth"...I bet I kinda looked like that too, except I'm not African American and I'm not ten years old, so I guess I kinda didn't) anyway, I tried the trunk, and I pushed that darn unlock button so hard....then, GREAT!!!..... this is NOT MY CAR!!!!!! .......DAMMIT!.....I blame...ummmm....I blame the driver of the car that's identical to mine, for parking right next to me, knowing darn well that I would think that their car IS MY CAR!! I bet they thought they were pretty cute playing a prank like that too....JERKS!

So I did what every mature woman does and I called my Mother and whined to her about how terrible my day was and how I was wronged so many times. As I was telling her about all the irritating things that happened to me.....Do you know what she said to me? She said,...."Rin, (She calls me "Rin", I think she forgets my real name sometimes, so I just let her) She said, "Rin, I'm exactly the same way, YOU GET IT FROM ME"....I said, "WHAT?? ...I get WHAT from you???? What in the HELL does THAT mean???..... You mean YOU are a VICTIM too????...How do you genetically inherit  "BEING A VICTIM"  that's not a trait MOM!!!!  That can't be passed down!!" ...OMG, She can be such an "AIRHEAD" at times...this is DEFINITELY one of those times!!!!

Super Hero to super ZERO!

So we are snowed in .....and I can admit when I'm wrong...SORRY Cam Carmen, I guess I insulted the news a little too quickly yesterday.....You JERKS were right, for once!  And so were my loved ones who told me to stock up on groceries...NO, I didn't listen..... why?  CAUSE I'M A REBEL LIKE THAT and plus, I know that all my neighbors stocked up, so I can just live off their common sense and continue to stroll through this life without a clue!

So being the rebellious domestic goddess that I am, I decided that we are having CRAZY WILD tacos for dinner (remember, I'm a rebel, we can't just have "regular" taco's, that's not rebellious) I cooked up all the ingredients and cut up the vegetables only to find that we are out of tortilla's, so I made them, FROM SCRATCH...(That's the first time I have ever made those...PAT PAT on my back) Now for dessert....Banana cream pie...YUM...I made the filling and decided to make the vanilla wafers from scratch, since I DON'T HAVE ANY OF THOSE IN THE HOUSE EITHER!!! (YES, I should have stocked up and next time I will listen, I promise) So I made my own vanilla wafers, FROM SCRATCH (That's the first time I have ever made those ...PAT PAT on my back again...nothing is getting in my way today) ...THEN, for the meringue on top.....DAMMIT....... I'm out of sugar...OH NO!!....I CAN'T MAKE MY OWN SUGAR!!!!. (no PAT PAT on my back, INSTEAD  it's... HEY IDIOT now what!!!)..Normally, I would have hopped into my car and whipped up to the grocery store really fast, but since we are in the middle of a blizzard.... I called one of my very best girlfriends that  lives 10 houses away and I asked her to loan me  1 cup of sugar...I drove down there through the heavy snow without a problem, after all ...♫ I'M SUUUPER MOM... DU DU DU ♫<-------sing that part like a superhero theme...PLEASE...C'mon..please.....DO IT DAMMIT!  Whatever...You're NO FUN! ...Back to my story, so I picked up the sugar ...then when I backed out of her driveway, I GOT STUCK!!!! ....stuck STUCK!!  NOT  "rock back and forth and you are out, stuck"  but  "OMG!  I REALLY need help, RIGHT NOW stuck!"  Thank god, this nice neighbor man was out shoveling his snow and another wonderful neighbor was also outside to push my stupid a$$ out of the DEEP rut I just created.....all the while, my sweet generous girlfriend sits in her warm cozy house at the window with her piping hot coffee, laughing hysterically.....Thanks friend!!!!!...........DARN IT!!!!!!  I was so proud of myself before that little mishap!!! Tomorrow is a new day!

Cam Carmen is a big fat liar!!!

Here's my take on these FAKE snowstorm warnings!  The news likes to heighten everything.... I MEAN EVERYTHING!!!!!!! After all, that's what gets us to watch it, right?...If they said "mild snow fall" instead of "STORM OF THE CENTURY" would you have watched it?.....Lets say that I accidentally shot myself in the foot and it showed up on the news (we will OF COURSE pretend that I didn't have my shoes on for this little example cause I don't wanna wreck them)....it would be said like this....."This just in, Former Opar to the prime minister of Egypt was brutally attacked by a barricaded gunman and is in critical condition".....First, I can barely spell "Egypt" let alone live there.  Second, yes, I used to be a nanny a few miles away from my house but not for anyone in the public eye. Third, I'm fine, I'm just stupid! ..NO thank you, NEWS, I'll pass.....I'll get my drama from reality T.V. THANKS!  Although, reality T.V.  is pretty fake too, it's still more real (or more fun) than the news! At least if I was on a reality T.V. show, they would make me out to be something fun, like a big ole tramp, that has 7 kids, from 9 different dads, and is now partying her a$$ off, while her children sell drugs from her one bedroom apartment in the projects.....I do have kids, but just 2 of them, they don't sell drugs yet, but I'm hoping that one day they can enter that promising field. Unfortunately, my kids have a dad and it's only one guy...I KNOW.... I KNOW... I should have driven around the block a few more times before I picked the car I was gonna drive forever!  Sadly, I'm not a tramp either.....but it sure would be  fun to play one on T.V. way more fun than being the prime ministers nanny! Therefore, Reality T.V. has my vote and the news is OUT!!!! 

P.S. This blog kinda made me realize that my life is a little dull.... I think I'm gonna spice it up a bit and Not cook dinner today.... I may not even vacuum....OH YEAH!!!!!  It feels SOOOO good to be this BAD!!!!

Bobby, Doctors don't date patients!

Bobby and Mary had their yearly physicals yesterday and every time we visit Mary's doctor, she reminds me of when Bobby was 5 years old and Mary was just a baby.  We rushed Mary in with a fever and the poor thing had a TERRIBLE ear infection....Bobby looked at the doctor, his eyes welled up with tears and he said, "How can this be? We take such good care of her!"  (that was back before he started beating her into submission and perfected the art of the head lock).....Our hearts melted...The doctor remembers that still to this day.  Now, here we are at 13 and 8 and she has brought that up at EVERY visit for the last 7 years♥..........Well doctor, I'm sorry but, Bobby isn't 5 years old anymore and Bobby has raging hormones and I can not be held responsible for this one, cause you should know better than to tell a 13 year old boy that he is good looking! This last time is what I believe will be the end of her conversations with my boy. She began by telling Bobby how cute he was back in those days and then went on to tell him that he has grown into a VERY good looking young man....Innocent enough, right??  WROOOONG!!!  Bobby winked at her and said, "What are you doing on Friday night? (with an arrogant confidence) You ARE hitting on me, RIGHT????"...OMG.... YIKES!...kill me....I sunk so deep into my chair that I could barely see out of the top of my coat.....AGAIN,  a lasting impression....Thank you Bobby!  Where did I go wrong?....I read parenting books!....I studied the statistics!....I tried real hard, I swear I did!......... WHY WHY WHY??????

GIRLS RULE BOYS DROOL

Being the CLEARANCE SHOPPER that I am, I found an amazing deal on a ping pong table....Paul being the OVER ACHIEVER that he THINKS he is, decided that he and Bobby were going to put this thing together quickly and seamlessly and that Erin and Mary will just get in the way and they need to GO AWAY! So us "LITTLE LADIES" were told to "MOSEY" on upstairs (I don't know when this JERK turned into John Wayne, but he did.) Had this been any other situation where a guy called me a "little lady" and told me to get my a$$ upstairs, he would have to die! But I did in fact need him at this moment, so I let him live.  After all, who was gonna put this thing together?....NOT ME!  He and Bobby went right to work and they were down there for a really long time.  Eventually, Paul grew quite frustrated at the large amount of screwing involved (I'm gonna leave that joke alone...TOO OBVIOUS) When Mary and I heard  "Son of a  %^&(*$#   $((*^^%"  roaring from the basement, YIKES....we decided that we should casually bring some ice cold drinks down there for our hard workers (really, I just wanted to scold Paul for his choice of words, the drinks were just a nice cover)....Paul sat puzzled at why the ping pong table wouldn't fold properly, everything else worked perfectly!  He scratched his head for quite some time on this issue, Bobby even chimed in with ideas from time to time. All of the sudden, Little 8 year old Mary says, "Dad, I see the problem".......He snaps, "SHHHHHH.... I'm thinking here...seriously, Mary leave me alone till I figure this out!!!".....  Mary leans over to Bobby and whispers,  "I see the problem, look at that thing, it is screwed into the wrong place, it's crooked, isn't it supposed to be straight like the rest of them?  Booby <---(this was a typo, but I liked it, so lets call him "Booby" for the rest of this story)  looks over and sees that Mary is absolutely correct! ......SHE SAVED THE DAY!!!   She is glowing and beaming with pride, not because she fixed the problem....BUT BECAUSE SHE WAS in fact DISMISSED by "THE MAN" and came back PROVING that just because she is LITTLE and A GIRL doesn't mean that SHE can't do it!!!  HA! WATCH OUT WORLD!!

Stupid Certified checks and SEXY IRA'S

You know what’s hard to do........getting a certified check from the bank is HARD TO DO!....How often do you have to do that...How about, NEVER!!!! .....So really, you are set up to look like a complete IDIOT from the moment you walk in and yes, I fit that bill.....

I walked in totally prepared (I even put a folder with blank papers in it under my arm to look like I had important documents, shhh ...that was just a prop) I looked at the stand that has the deposit slips, nope, no information there??....Then a suited gentleman (note that I called him "gentleman" not "guy"...it's cause I'm being all sophisticated and banker-ish) so that suited "gentleman" was flirting with a cute teller and he had to stop to walk over and ask me if I needed help. Apparently, I reeked of confusion (even with my folder of important documents) I said, "Yes, I need a .......a.......a...." I completely blanked and couldn't remember what the dumb check was called......so "CASANOVA" looked at me all dumb and raised his "CROOKED EYEBROW" at me and directed me to another teller...then he went back to the cute teller girl to explain what his IRA was like (all pompous) and he asked her how comfortable she is with her IRA level...WHAT???!!! IS THIS REALLY HOW BANKERS PICK UP WOMEN???......OMG NEVER!!!! BORE ME TO TEARS!!!! JAB ME IN THE EYE WITH A HOT POKER!!!! I would be like, "what, huh, are you joking me? And what’s an IRA anyway, is it some weird sex position that I have never heard of? Is it a piece of jewelry? Is it a car?" I raised my "PERFECTLY PLUCKED EYEBROW" right back at him and HIS STUPIDITY (If he gets a girl with lines like that...I'm moving outta this state) So after giggling inside at watching Casanova with his crooked a$$ eyebrows try to charm the pants off of this cute teller girl, I had to get focused again.... I fumble around trying to inform the teller that I need a "CASHIERS" check...she looks at me as if she is smarter than me too and says you mean a "CERTIFIED" check....I say, "ohhh, ok, whatever, YAY, I need that one." She asks me how much I need it for (all this information is stored in my cell phone, in the form a text message from Paul) I told her that I needed to review my records, if she could please give me a moment (hehehe...I know, I sound all businessie ,don't I?) and I picked up my folder and put my phone in the middle of it (I pretended I was reading important documents but I was really reading my smiley face filled text messages) ....I told her the amount I needed the check for and she said .....or what I thought she said was, "would you like to make this out someone"...just like they ask at the flower shop...so I smiled and said, "YES" she look at me with a dead blank stare and she said, (all filled with attitude) ...."you CAN'T answer... YES" (visibly irritated) she repeated, "WHO would you like to make this out to?" OHHHH...whoops.....I fumbled with my phone again and told her the companies name with a stutter...OMG How dumb can one person feel!!?? I was all set to be smart, I had on the right outfit, the right props, the right shoes..etc...One last ditch effort at leaving with a little dignity....I asked her if she would please screw up the check so that I felt better (of course I was joking)...she smiled a half a$$ kind of smile, one that screamed "OMG, please get run over in the parking lot" ....So (with my head held low) I was on my way..... I walked out and I realized a very important lesson...Maybe if that folder had REAL documents in it this could have gone a little better...next time I'm bringing the kids birth certificates, my marriage license, and the deed to the house, oh and plus, I'm going to bring the newspaper All folded up under my other arm! Well I Gotta go now.... I'm off to Google IRA's I need to see just how "HOT" those things are!

Thoughts from the MRI tunnel

EEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEE .....OUCH, that is loud!!.......EEEEEEEEEEEE  EEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEE ....OMG,  I'm gonna have to ask them to turn THAT down........  EEEEEEEEEEE.....Oh that's right, I'm not supposed to move ....EEEEEEEEEEEEEE..... Maybe if I just think it.... the MRI will SHOW them what I'm thinking....like in a scroll form across the screen....YUP, I bet that's what happens  EEEEEEEEEE  EEEEEEEEEEEEEE......Hey guys....please turn THAT down, it's kinda giving me a headache!! ....EEEEEEEEE.....GUYS???...... EEEEEEEEEE.......(whimper) ...guys????........ EEEEEEEEEEE......I bet they are reading what I'm thinking but, they aren't gonna turn it down......EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE....buncha a$$holes!!!!....EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE......Great now I called them "a$$holes", they are never gonna turn it down now!....EEEEEEEEEEEEEE........I better watch what I think so they don't read it......EEEEEEEEEE  EEEEEE EEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEE Wow, this looks like a coffin or Star Trek.....Only, where's Spok and that other guy, he was cute?......EEEEEEEEE.....hmmm That one guy controlling this MRI thing is REALLY cute....EEEEEEEEEEE........ too bad he is wearing pink scrubs, he must pitch for the other team........EEEEEEEEEEEEE.......All the cute ones do???  why is that??  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE......Like "George Michael" and "Ricky Martin"...Yummy.....EEEEEEEE.........But then again, there is also "Perez Hilton" and "Richard Simmons", not so yummy.......EEEEEEEEE........hehehehe, I could totally see this controller guy "SWEATIN TO THE OLDIES" hehehehehehehe.....EEEEEEEEEE......... OMG, this thing just got louder!!!!!  I can't even think anymore!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Oilchange Experiment

So the last time I was FORCED by Paul to be the lucky one to take my car in for an oil change, they really made me feel stupid...TRULY STUPID, NOT "FUN and SILLY STUPID!" ..It's one thing to be "silly stupid" but "TRULY stupid" is not such a good feeling...I went in as myself the first time and they knocked me right down....so this time, I thought, "you know what, I'm gonna beat them to the punch and I'm going to do a little experiment...I'm gonna be dumber than a BRICK and see how THAT pans out."  It's really not good to insult me, cause then I start experiments...like this one!  Here's how this little exchange went down.......

Oil change guy:  Hello Mam, how can I help you?
Me: Ummm ....I was told that I need an oil change thing.
Oil guy:  YOU need an oil change??  or your CAR does???  (I'm not even kidding, see how he tried to make me look dumb!....I worked it out though..... READ ON)
Me: (Looking puzzled) ummm, I think my car does....hmmmm... whats an oil change??
Oil guy:  (he ignored that question) Ok mam, we will hook you up.
Me:  Hook me up to what?
Oil guy: (looking at me like I'm an adorable little animal that he is starting to feel kinda sorry for) No no, we are going to get you "set up" with a good service plan, don't you worry.
ME: Oh good....cause the last time I did this, I got in trouble from my husband cause I did it all wrong
Oil guy: (trying to protect me) He didn't yell at you? Did he?
Me: Yes, he did (pouty lip) He thinks I should know this stuff,  but I just can't.  I try to do all this stuff right but, I fail every time (over exaggerated pouty lip)
Oil guy: Well "HONEY", (he's no longer calling me "mam') we will make sure that HE can't yell at YOU again!
Me: (twirling my hair) Thanks, he will be so proud of me!
Oil Guy: If he won't.... I will!

OMG!!!! ....YES.... THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED....That experiment went PERFECTLY.....The first time I walked in with my head held high and confidence that was unbreakable...This time I walked in like an airheaded dumbass.....and I could have left with HIS PAYCHECK!!!..............WHO IS THE DUMB ONE!!???!!  NOT ME!!!  I WIN!!!........He became my knight in shining armor oil change guy...Disney totally needs to pick up this story....Seriously, it's a BOX OFFICE HIT!

Football = ?

That dumb football game that was on over the weekend made me remember a few irritating things about that STUPID sport!......When Paul and I first started dating....he thought he was pretty slick with "football time" versus "REAL TIME"  and it actually worked  (yes, I'm ashamed to admit that)  I would be dying to leave the house and go out and  he would say, "Baby, look at the time, there are ONLY 4 more minutes left, reeeeelax".  I was really sweet and kind back then (adorable too, but that's not important to this story so I just won't bring that up) I didn't make too much of a fuss back in those days so I let it go, although, if this were to happen today....Well I'm pretty sure you know that I would write on him with a Sharpie while he is sleeping or hide a raw fish in his car! I mean really, everyone knows that the earths axis is what created "time" and our "internal clock" created our "sense of time"  With that said, the thing that is plaguing me is  "WHY ARE FOOTBALL PEOPLE THE ONLY ONES ALLOWED TO CHANGE HOW LONG 4 MINUTES IS????"..... Answer me that, sports A$$HOLES!!!!

Cleaning day

So it's Monday and Monday has always been and forever will be, my cleaning day.....needless to say... I HATE MONDAYS!!!....So to make things a little less stressful for me, I posed this question to Paul......"Ummm, Paul, Love of My Life, do you think it would be at all possible for me to have a cleaning service come over and help out a little on Mondays?  I mean, I work so hard and I get so tired.....You don't want me all tired do you?"  (pouty lip)......Paul says...."awwww Erin, we may be able to do something like that, if you hate it THAT bad".......

MY thoughts on how this "cleaning service" should appear.........

WHAT?????!!!!! ........I'm sure he is FABULOUS at cleaning, laundry, and dishes...He didn't get those arms from just sitting around!!!!

So I say to Paul,  "well I kinda was thinking about this women's lib stuff and how much I hate degrading women by making them do typical "woman" jobs......how about we get a male maid??????  I dunno, it's just an idea that popped into my head just now, like just a second ago, I have never thought of this before" (except for last week and the week before.... OK .....Yeah...SO... I think about this all the time.... but whatever)



Paul says...."hmmmm Erin, sweet, innocent, Erin...I see where you are going with this and I know exactly what you mean.  I know how much you want to raise women up to the highest of standards....I will call around for you tomorrow, sweetheart"......I say,  "Really OMG...You are the best....although....I do have 1 more small request.....I don't want this poor guy to have to do any extra laundry, so can you make sure he cleans with his shirt off, you know, just to save him some extra work.  I would feel terrible if he had to work EXTRA while he was here"......Paul says,  "No PROBLEM sweetie, I have it handled".......(whispering JUST to you) Sometimes it's just a little too easy to work this man!!!!  

Monday morning comes and I'm waiting anxiously by the door for my new "cleaning service".........and he arrives

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DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Gimme back the mop Franklin!!!!!!.... I'll do it my DAMN SELF!

Why don't I ever get the job?

MY RESUME

Name: ERIN....(That's pronounced AIR-IN...just so you know :)

Age: 23

Previous jobs:

• Taco Bell when I was 16......I can work a mean cash register...seriously, I can...And I can remember really important details like ...sour cream on the side is 26cents.
• Nanny for 3 years......I can work a mean remote control and microwave oven and I remember important details from that job too...Soap opera's come on at 1 on channels 2.... 4 and 7 :)
• Car insurance company...who cares, that job was really stupid!. They had no interest in my previous skills from other jobs, so I quit 
• Dental lab....almost lost a finger at that one so that one was dumb too.  That one was like hard labor....I QUIT!

Interests

I think it may be easier to tell you what I'm NOT interested in...too many things interest me and only a few are stupid.....here are things that I'm NOT interested in:

•  Crocs
• Snuggies
• Pajama jeans
• Those little stickers that brag about your kid being on the honor roll
• mom jeans
• Sweaters with little lambs on them
• socks with pictures
• Uggs
• sweat pants with "sassy" written across the butt in sparkles
• dickies
• Butt crack hanging out the top of my jeans
• and mini vans...

????? Was this supposed to be stuff that I'm interested in "IN LIFE"? I was so thinking in "fashion/style"....ok ok...... I got it now...I'm interested in everything...except sports and other dumb stuff like that! :)

Favorite Movies

• Porn

....I'm kidding who would put "porn" as their favorite movie and leave it there???? I would...But I'm only kidding...I don't watch or act in porn...I did see one once though... there was way too much sex and nudity for me....they really should clean those things up so they can be watched...I hear they have great acting and really good plots.

Favorite Books

I read a book once but I can't remember what it was
it was a long time ago....hmmmm...Oh yes
It was called "Tales of the Fourth Grade Nothing" I couldn't put it down
but I had to put down because Crissy found out that I liked Matt too and she started chasing me. Lucky for me the bell rang and we all had to in for lunch. Great book...I highly recommend it! After that I read "War and Peace" another great book!

Thoughts from the Grocery Store

I really don't have much to write today as yesterday was boring.....I did however go grocery shopping and I got the SLOWEST checkout girl EVER!!!!  I had a cart full of groceries, even some items from the freezer section and I'm pretty certain that by the time she was done, they were dethawed!....My experience was like this.........Hi, how are you? .......  (BOOP)   <------that's the scanner...............I'm doing well, thank you .......................................................................................................................................................................................(BOOP)...............My thoughts...(OMG, I'm gonna be here forever)..............(BOOP)........................(BOOP).................My thoughts now....WOW !!!!!!!!she is so slow, I almost wanna scan this stuff myself ......................................................................................................................................................................(BOOP)..................................................................................................... My thoughts now....HOLY SHIT, JUST SHOOT ME!!!!  I wonder if I could pick up all this stuff and go over to the other line where I hear (BOOP ) (BOOP) (BOOP) (BOOP) (BOOP) it was CRAZY  FAST, almost like the girl thought she was gonna win something .....I was soooo jealous of aisle 4.......(BOOP)  ......Oh goody, she finally rang up my wine and now needs to see my ID..............My thoughts......%%&*%%((&^%$#^% I hate grocery shopping, my license is ONLY the WORST picture I have taken in my entire life.........(BOOP).........I stood so patiently next to all the candy that was staring at me, begging me to take it home......(BOOP).....I thought about slipping a Hershey bar into my pocket so I felt all dirty and wrong like a REAL bad bad girl, you know ........(BOOP) .......BUT...I wouldn't want to be tackled on my way out the door for stealing....wait..... YES I WOULD!!!!!.....(BOOP).........................................Hmmmmm...............................................(BOOP)..... getting tackled by security would mess up my hair a little but, getting tackled by security might be fun....some of those guys are really good looking!.....Lets just say it wouldn't be the first time that getting tackled by a good looking guy messed up my hair...(BOOP).....OMG.... Did I really just think that?....  I'm so bored that now I'm thinking dirty thoughts at the grocery store!!!!!....What is my problem????? ..... (BOOP)......Well now my train of thought is all screwed up........ (BOOP)........mmmm men in inform.........(BOOP)..............Mam, that will be $175.39....EXCUSE ME, MAM.....that's $175.39.....DAMMIT lady hold on........ I'm still thinking about this security guard thing!

DUMBASS new math

TRYING to help Mary with her 2nd grade homework....OMG....This NEW MATH has me wanting to seriously beat some mathematician's ass!!!!  I learned to add and subtract!!!... OH YES I DID!!!  ......  and it went like this.........



The first one is the old way.....(my way)  .....The second one is the new way (the really dumb way)

You know that Bobby had to even help me type this new math problem!

  To me, this is waaaaay different!!!!! WHY CHANGE THINGS NOW!!!! ....Everytime I see these damn math problems, I do it the "normal" way.... not the "REALLY STUPID" way and Mary gets all her problems marked wrong cause I helped her and taught her wrong!

WAY TO MAKE A MOM FEEL DUMB!!!!!  Seriously, my kids think I can't even add or subtract  now....THANK YOU geniuses of the world for changing things.......You know what!!!!..... I wanna change some things too...how about.... ENGLISH ....YAY.... lets change some "ENGLISH"  SHALL WE!!!!!!?????  From now on the word  "THE"  is actually the word.... "DUMBASS" ....Here are a few sentences for you in  the "NEW erin ENGLISH"....... Mary was struggling with DUMBASS math problems so I helped her, She kept getting DUMBASS math problems wrong so I couldn't help her any longer, cause I learned it different than she did and I hate math and wish DUMBASS geniuses didn't change things cause now I have to ask DUMBASS 13 year old to help DUMBASS 8 year old and I DUMBASS Mom have to sit and watch!  Thank god DUMBASS Dad knows about this stuff too cause DUMBASS kids would flunk outta school if they had to depend on DUMBASS math skills of their mother!

Google: boobs

ALRIGHT.....who googled "BOOBS" from my computer!!!????   Really, if you do a history search on your computer, make sure you are ready for what you might find....I don't know who looked it up but, the history went something like this......Google: Hot girls.........Google: Super hot girls.......Google: Hot boobs.............Google: Really  hot boobs, hurry up my mom is coming!

I asked my 13 year old son and my husband which one of them has a new obsession with boobs and my sons face got all red (poor thing, his allergies were acting up again) Neither one of them would confess to these late night shenanigans????  Hhhmmm .... Who did it???.......I figured it must have been Paul (my husband) cause my 13 year old Bobby would NEVER EVER do something like that... I mean NEVER!!!!  I really don't think he would even know how to look things like that up on the Internet....It's so advanced for such a young man these days! ...I asked my husband to please respect me and to NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!!!  Paul looked SHOCKED but I know it was him...I mean ...duh... it's pretty obvious, Bobby is still just a kid, an adorable sweet child with no knowledge of computers what so ever, just like most 13 year olds!.......A few hours after this situation ended, sweet Bobby approached me with a youtube video that he had stumbled across while diligently trying to look up a video titled "99 words for moods"  (he is so courteous of others feelings and really wants to know more about different moods people have)....I asked him what this "moods" video is about exactly and he said he isn't really sure, he was VERY confused (poor kid)  but, he said that it looked like it was about headlights or something???? I thought I would check out what he was searching for to help him out... who knows, maybe he wants to start a new hobby or join an after school group....he said he may have misspelled "moods" a few times.....Poor kid, he's so eager to learn new things.... he must really want to be fully educated on "moods" ....(I'm beaming with pride)....He is just so adorable isn't he?.... I looked up his "99 words for moods"  and nothing came up so I asked him if he could remember how he MISSPELLED "moods" and he thinks he may have slipped up on the keyboard and accidentally typed  "boobs" then he asked me what those are....LOL...silly kid, he will find THAT OUT AFTER HE IS MARRIED! This video is all that I could come up with?????  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDXj-yuIjcw He must have been really angry by the end of this clip cause he watched it 23 times and it doesn't even mention "moods" EVEN ONCE?????? He must have REALLY been searching!  Poor Bobby, I'm gonna have to get him some lessons on how to properly search for things on the Internet because sometimes the obvious....just goes right over that poor kids head!!!!!