"MAKEOVERS FOR INMATES"

People often say to me, "Erin, you have too much time on your hands" I say, "NOPE, I'm not even wearing a watch DUMMY, you are!!!"...So clearly, you are the one with "time on your hands" not me! I wouldn't say that you have "too much" time on your hands though, cause you're only wearing ONE watch.  If you were wearing two or three watches, THAT'S JUST TOO MUCH, now isn't it?!....so here I am with NO TIME ON MY HANDS, writing these blogs, why? Because I love to write and I love to think (even though sometimes it hurts a little.)  Why is it that just because I am doing something that I love, people think that I'm doing something that shouldn't be done?  Do I have to do something TERRIBLY BORING to earn the right to do something that I love...( I mean I do IRON, doesn't that count?)...I have to do things that I love to stay happy and for those of you with TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS...TRY doing something you love every now and then and quit thinking that it's wrong....unless it actually IS WRONG, like don't go stealing a car and smoking a whole mess of drugs and then when the cops come you throw your hands up and say, "HEY Erin told me to do something that I love and she even said that it's NOT wrong"...Then we are both in trouble...and I don't wanna get arrested for telling you to do something that you love...Plus, could you picture me in jail??  OMG, I think I would die...I would probably get beat everyday, and called names, and forced to join a gang, and pull one pant leg up, and tie a bandanna around my head with some bad a$$ braids, all while limpin with a gangsta lean, just to look intimidating!  AND What if I had to get a tattoo???

Then when the guards were done ruining my life, the inmates would have their turn to hate on me...I have a feeling none of them would like me very much, but maybe I could sway them with an AWESOME MAKEOVER DAY, what girl wouldn't love that???....I'd stand on a chair while we are in the lunch room? mess hall? dining room? ...(screw it, whatever the place is where prisoners eat) and I'd yell...... "ALRIGHT, LISTEN UP...put your teeth back in B1TCHES, we are having A MAKEOVER DAY" and they would all perk right up and stop hating on me, cause they are girls and girls like that! And if those jerky guards wouldn't give us any cosmetics and makeover paraphernalia (<---that's prison talk for makeup brushes and tweezers) then we could use our food with natural dyes (cause them b!tches gotta feed us)...... we could squish up our raspberries and put it on our lips for lipstick (FUN) and we could take beets and squish those all to hell too (no one eats beets anyway...GROSS) and use it for blush, We could grab some dirt from the play field? outdoor time area? play ground?...(whatever the hell they call that place where they let you stand outside and tan for a while, I see it in movies)...anyway, we could grab a buncha dirt and add water to it and do mud facials!!! And I could make a SHANK out of my toothbrush (isn't a shank where you turn regular stuff into makeup brushes?)   THIS WOULD BE SO FUN!!!!!...So please PLEASE please the next time you do something TERRIBLE tell your arresting officer that I said it was OK, so I get arrested too! ...Omg, I almost forgot!!  That's right!!!!!..... I wouldn't go straight to jail, I would need to be arrested first! I would be arrested, hand cuffed, and told all about Miranda's rights!....Do you think it would be offensive if I asked my arresting officer to keep his hat on and talk in a really sexy deep voice?????.....ohhhhh this little daydream JUST GETS BETTER AND BETTER!!!!

 WOW!!!!!!!  My arresting officer looks exactly like  Enrique 'Iglesias and why am I smiling, this is supposed to be TERRIBLE! I think I want to RESIST ARREST! Just DON'T TASE ME BRO!

Written by: Erin Kenaan

My poor husband

Every morning Paul reads my blog and I know this, so I feel bad, after all we are married..... I AM NEVER EVER SUPPOSED TO THINK ANY OTHER MAN ON THE PLANET IS ATTRACTIVE and truth is.......... I DON'T (PAUL DON'T READ THIS.....I'm lying) I don't EVER notice good looking guys EVER (PAUL DON'T READ THIS....I'm lying) I only look at men for this blog and the whole time I am ONLY thinking about the women reading it and what THEY would like to see (EVEN I CALL BULLSH!IT on that one) (ummm, I don't think I can actually call "bullsh!t" on MYSELF can I? Is that allowed????) Well whatever,  I FINALLY got "THE CALL" that I have been expecting since I did the house cleaning post.....and it went like this......

Paul: Erin, I read your blog again this morning and holy sh!t is that all you do all day is look up guys on the Internet? Really Erin...OMG, you seem to have a problem! Do you need help?
Me:  Ummm what???  No Paul that isn't all I do, did you not notice the clean house, the yummy dinner, and the clean clothes???   You know what, FINE!!!!!!  You want me to look up other things....FINE.... HERE YOU GO, JERK!!!!

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Me: ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!!!  OMG this is DUMB SH1T!!!!..... I NEVER EVER wanna look this up again.....OOooooOooohhh wow, geez, look at her...well, zippity doo dah....she's hot...oh yay.... BIG WHOOP!!....... and MOVING ON!!!!!
Paul: Wow you're right, she is HOT, Erin, SMOKIN HOT and THAAAAANK YOOOOU!!!!!
Me: OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS???  EEEWWW She is a DOG look at her, she's all......um gross cause....um she has like........all these nasty and she even has some weird mark near her......ummmmmmm....AND,  WHATEVER JERK, ARE YOU DONE!!!??? I hope not PIG, cause I got 2 more hot girls for you...this time in bikini's!!!!....YOU LUCKY BOY!

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HAVE A GREAT DAY....I LOVE YOU!



Sad no pants guy meets BROWN BEAR!!!!

Did anyone else notice that this blog is also supposed to be about "PARENTING"..... you know, like "children and stuff"...... but somehow it turned into a HUGE exploitation of MEN!!!...KINDA LIKE THIS PICTURE.....Why is that even there???...

WHO CARES WHY IT'S THERE, JUST SMILE CAUSE IT IS!!! 

OK, now that I got that outta the way, lets talk about a guy I ran into on a recent hiking trip...I never did catch his name as I was slightly distracted by BIRDS.... birds and bees......maybe THE birds and THE bees....I'M KIDDING, I didn't even really run into this guy....(hanging my head in shame) it's just a picture from GOOGLE :( But lets pretend for a minute that I did run into this guy on a hiking trip cause it's WAY more fun than the truth, which is..... I'm sitting here conjuring up this big huge fabrication for entertainment purposes, while listening to birds chirp, drinking my coffee, and searching Google for good looking men so you pigs have something to look at!!....I feel like a slave to the MAN, except I'm pretty sure that most of you are females, so actually I'm a slave to the wo-MAN....and YES, I'm livin the wild life!!!

Speaking of wildlife..... this is the guy I was referring to from "MY HIKING TRIP"  and look, this poor guy seems REALLY REALLY DISTRAUGHT, whats with the sad face??!!  He looks Kinda irritated too!  I don't think his sorrow is from being EXPLOITED though, cause he isn't being EXPLOITED AT ALL, not by me at least. This poor fella CLEARLY found himself in an UNFORTUNATE SITUATION. I mean look, HIS pants just fell RIGHT DOWN, that would make me IRRITATED too!!  If I was hiking through the rain forest (like he is OBVIOUSLY doing here) and I was wearing camouflage pants (as to blend into nature) then, AWW CRIKEY!!!! My damn pants just FALL DOWN and I'M SPOTTED by all the wildlife and they run off because my BRIGHT white unders are blowing in the breeze! I would be sad too...POOR GUY! He must have some pretty mean friends, taking a picture of him all sad and exposed :( I actually ran into one of his so called friends and I wanted to ask him why he did such a mean thing to sad no pants guy but....I WAS DISTRACTED by his outfit........

WOW, that's quite a get up!!!  This is "BROWN BEAR" he found his own way to blend into nature, he doesn't need camouflage pants like sad no pants guy...as he has a lovely plush MAN SWEATER!!!  BROWN BEAR chose to blend in with the animals and he did a FINE JOB of it!  Where as, sad no pants guy tried to blend into the trees and stuff and we saw how that panned out for him. Or maybe "Brown Bear" just didn't want to have a "wardrobe malfunction" like sad no pants guy did, so he left his "WARDROBE" at home...Whatever his reasoning, this guy is actually pretty lucky...not only does he NOT have to carry a blanket for when they finally decide to call it a night and pitch a tent but, he doesn't have to share his blanket with anyone EVER!! I'm pretty sure no one would even ask but, if they did... he WON'T look selfish when he says NO!

The conclusion is..... Wear your man sweater with pride after all, it could be worse, you could look like a model whose pants fell down!!!!

Some things that keep me up at night

Last night Paul and I were talking and I used the proverb, "Every cloud has a silver lining" the next hour was spent wondering where these dumb phrases come from!.... Proverbs are actually some of the stupidest things in the English language...while we are on the subject of the English language, can someone please explain the word "Colonel" to me...(WHERE IS THE R???)

Lets dissect some of these proverbs shall we........
1. High on the hog? ...UMMM, excuse me if I'm wrong here, but HOGS are "low" ...shouldn't it be "high on the giraffe" or "high on the elephant" or even "low on the hog"....WHO MAKES THIS STUFF  UP??? Wait a minute, scratch that one,  I have seen people "HIGH on HOGS"....

2. A penny saved is a penny earned...I call "BULSH!T" on this one too, I found a penny the other day and all I did was PICK IT UP, I didn't EARN anything, I didn't work for it, it was JUST THERE! and PLUS, what are you SAVING a penny FROM?? Is someone chasing it, does someone want it dead???? FREAKIN WEIRD if you ask me!!!
3. You don't know what you got till it's gone....That's absolutely INCORRECT....You don't know what you got...Cause you don't got SH!T, it's gone!!!...If it's gone, you got NOTHING and I'm pretty certain that you would KNOW that!
4. (to lighten the mood cause I'm getting a little angry here)....OHHH look, a HOT guy.......




I KNOW I KNOW I tricked you and I'm sorry but, listen, I google different types of  "hot guys" all the time to find pictures for this damn blog ....we will call it "RESEARCH" and  I don't mind it one bit, until HIM that is... he is what came up when I googled "hot SMART guys"...REALLY!!???  Is this what we are left with if we don't like DUMB GUYS!!! I have to write to Google about this, cause I'm pi$$ed! ...Here's a proverb that I made up myself..."You don't know that you're tanning if you're wearing a shirt and you look like George Bush Senior!"

 5. An apple a day keeps the doctor away......UM NO THANKS.....GET THE DAMN APPLE AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!




I THINK I FEEL A COUGH COMING ON!!!!!  no really, "cough cough, ouch!!!" and my stomach hurts too, and I think I have a fever, oh and a rash.....this may take a while!!


6. Absence makes the heart grow fonder...No it don't, it makes me miss your stupid a$$!!!!
7. A friend in need is a friend in deed...So lemme get this straight....if my friend needs something then she becomes A BETTER friend?.....HUH?? SCREW THAT!!!!  A friend in need, probably wants to borrow money....I then become "A friend with NO PHONE!!"
8. Cheaters never win and winners never cheat....HeLLLLLO, Did you see Tiger Woods?  He was WINNING WINNING, DUH!!!!!!
9. Don't cross that bridge till you come to it...ummmm CROSSING it BEFORE you get there is not even possible!!!!!  I swear these things make me DUMBER!!!!
10. Don't put all your eggs in one basket...What in the hell am I supposed to do then...carry 12 baskets around the grocery store??...THAT'S JUST DUMB!!!  I don't think I can go on.....I have had enough STUPID for one day!

FINE, OK OK....I'll help you dummies try to score!

I stopped at the store to pick up my Cosmo magazine from behind the cardboard blocker that it's hidden behind cause the titles are so RISQUE' and I giggled to myself thinking, "hmm this is like PLAYBOY but for girls cause the only things behind cardboard blockers are BOOBS and BUTTS....and COSMO!!!"  One could then call this..."GIRL PORN" which differs EXTREMELY from "guy porn"... like, in EVERY way possible!  YES, you are about to get schooled on "GIRL PORN" if you are too mature or too sophisticated for this...you just log off right now, pour yourself some tea, eat a couple crumpets, and wait till about 3 pm, cause I'll be over to kick your A$$ promptly at that time....So now that the grown ups have left the room... Lemme explain some things that are clearly GIRL PORN (but most girls won't ever admit this)....If there are any guys reading this, first, Lemme say, I'm shocked!!!  I'D HATE ME!!!  but GREAT!! ...Pay close attention. Second, take notes, go ahead and grab a pen and some paper, I'll wait!!

GIRL PORN......
1. The movie Dirty Dancing....If you guys acted like "Johnny"  HOLY HELL!!!!! EVERYONE WOULD HAVE  9.5 children running around...No really!!! Watch this movie with your girl...make one pass at her and BAM...She's yours, I promise...oh yeah, and pretend that you want to watch it cause you like how the girl stands up for herself, TRUST ME!
2. The movie Pretty Woman....DEAR GOD, if you guys acted like Edward...I'd have 4 of you! Watch this movie with your girl and pretend that you really feel for Julia Roberts in the shopping scene and don't talk about how hot VIVIAN is..... EVER!!  But instead, speak of how HAPPY you are that she is getting herself out of that lifestyle and finally has some stability (yes, I want you to lie) .....then, hand your girl $50 and BAM...I'm telling you....it will work!!! (yes, it's kind of like paying for sex....SO WHAT!)
3. Romance novels....Stop shaking your head like those aren't GIRL PORN....IT'S GIRL PORN, like it or not!!!....PLUS, "ROMANCE" is in the title EVEN!!!! If you boys were all romantic like that,  no girl would ever say "No"....EVER! Be gentle and sweet to her like these guys are and pretend that you give a sh!t what shade her lipstick is and how her hair flows in the beaming sunlight strand by strand until it gently rests upon her flawless bare shoulder......YUP, a guaranteed GOOD NIGHT!


 


Ummmm since this is the ONLY picture I could choose to add for the Romance novel..I have to put a warning for the ladies..... "Never sleep with a guy that has "Mullet" in his name or even worse HAS A MULLET!!!"....I can't even believe this is a Romance cover...this CRAP would read more like a COMEDY to me, phmf ...some guy with a "mullet" named "McMullet"!!??....If he tried to come near ME with his "McMullet" he'd pull back a "McSTUMP!!!!!"

 
 The reasons you men would never do the things on my list.....
1. You think dancing like Patrick Swayze danced in this movie is not masculine.....WE WOMEN ARE TELLING YOU FOOLS,  WE LIKE IT!!! DEEERR... who cares what your homeboys think when you are trying to score! YOU lie to WOMEN all the time, just lie to them and tell them you said something REALLY PIG-ISH and it FINALLY worked!!! Their dumbasses will probably give you a high five, a stupid laugh, and tip their 40 ouncer to ya.... (DAMN guys are dumb, after this blog, it's back to talking with you ladies, you guys ARE IRRITATING!)
2. You don't want to run a big ole company just to get a girl like Edward did (I actually don't blame you on that one...You're off the hook here)......and hopefully you'd never let a hooker get in your car (I see you squirming... and I heard the rumor about you last summer......GROSS!!)...ok, so judging by the amount of uncomfortable men I see,  most of you are ALMOST an "Edward" and it's because you'd let a HOOKER get in your car...DAMMIT....WHATEVER!!! AUUUGH MEN!
3. You would never act like the guys in Romance novels cause you don't wanna wear tight pants and ruffly shirts and have a sissy name like "Fabio"....WELL,  AMEN to that!!!  (I understand that one too and nor do we want you to look like a homosexual pirate)....Thank god, but if you could act all romantic every now and then....it may be helpful, just sayin!
4. And as far as the Cosmo magazine goes, who are we fooling, this is the only one of these things that you guys are even willing to try, cause it's the easiest.... it ONLY costs you $5 and a tiny bit of embarrassment at the store buying a magazine with titles like..."How To Tell If He's Really Into You and Flat Out SEXY Sandals For Spring!!" but push that embarrassment aside boys and let her read it and she's yours and you'll be happy too...lots of pointers in there but, BEWARE of the "ROMANCE QUIZZES" they are set up to make you look like TOTAL JERKS!! and clearly you're not!
In summery, If you can't get lucky with MY help, then I guess you're screwed...Actually, you're NOT screwed..you're the OPPOSITE of SCREWED, You're UNSCREWED!! Yeah, so if you can can't get lucky with MY help, then you're UNSCREWED!

Freezin A$$ cold

Them bastards got tricky throwing a nice warm day in the mix STRICTLY to confuse me.  NO, I'm not narcissistic, I just believe that it is all for ME or all against ME! ......I like to pretend that the the weather man makes up the weather and he alone decides what the temperature is going to be for that day, kinda like picking out your clothes....this way I have someone to be really PI$$ED at when the weather doesn't cooperate with me. It would be HORRIBLE to be all angry and not be able to direct it at SOMEONE!!  And trust me CHUCK DATIKA, if you and I ever cross paths, you will have some stories to tell!!!  I try to not get angry with people but how can one forgive the winter we had???  I CAN'T!! And now you're gonna tease me by giving me one day to tan, bbq, and watch my kids enjoy the sunshine...then you think you're gonna take it all away (what did I ever do to you?)  and you think you get to walk away scott free????....awww HELL NAWW!!!!!! Get the word out Chuck Datika...You and all your little sissy weather man friends are bout to get an old skool a$$ kickin FO SHO!..(pssst whispering to you), Hey guys, this wouldn't count as a death threat to Chuck Datika would it? I don't want the FBI on my a$$)

WHY CAN'T WE HAVE WEATHER MORE LIKE THIS??????

 

WHAT!!!!???  I'm just kidding, I don't want that weather mans "WARM FRONT!!!"

I'm weird and I'm ok with it

People wouldn't guess that I like nature trails and hiking cause they wanna stereo type me...NOPE, you can't!! I'm not stereo TYPABLE (is that a word?) I would hop on the back of a 4 wheeler on a rainy day and get covered head to toe in mud and love every minute of it and I would go to a fancy restaurant all dressed up while sipping on tea and crumpets (WTH are CRUMPETS???? I never did find that out yet!)  I don't fit any mold, so quit trying.  I'm just "weird" so stereo type me as "weird" and expect the unexpected ...hmmm but then it would be EXPECTED though if you "EXPECTED the UNEXPECTED"  (scratching my head...SHIT!?!? ...I did it again...I'm sooo lost) OK , END OF SUBJECT......Just don't think that you know my next move cause you don't!!  HA!...I just did a "karate MOVE" at the computer...you didn't expect that did you??...NOPE! and  I know you didn't cause that's UNEXPECTED!!...And plus I don't even know karate SO YOU REALLY WOULDN'T EXPECT THAT, CAUSE IT'S NOT EVEN SOMETHING I CAN DO!

Here's something else you didn't expect........

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How do I know that you didn't expect that???  Cause it has no relation to what I'm talking about AT ALL ...and.....OMG! I know what you're thinking and................... STOP IT! 

WOW, Lets just call this little story OVER WITH!!! ....YOU PERVERT!!! I only threw this in here because it is UNEXPECTED!!!  This poor guy just strolled out of the water and wants to dry off and all you are doing is sitting there drooling over him like he's a piece of meat...I'M SURE HE HATES THAT, he never asked for this!!!!!!  I'm sorry really hot guy with ripped abs and a gorgeous face and perfect skin, I cannot be held accountable for what these PIGS are thinking!  (poor guy, I should prolly call him and make sure his feelings aren't hurt)...JERKS!!!

STUPID Guns....I'd rather be SHOPPING!

Husbands make us wives do some pretty weird things......I have had to sit through sporting events and even cheer...I never knew what in the hell I was cheering for...I just cheered for the cutest team or the colors that I like best! I try to make the best out of EVERYTHING!  Whenever everybody else stood up, I did too. I'd scream and try to do that whistle thing that you do with your fingers in your mouth.... I Never did perfect that damn whistle but, I could swear real REAL GOOD...and I'd scream cuss words at them stupid a$$ GOALIES that robbed us of the TKO...STUPID A$$holes...Grrrr!!!!  Really though, I was COMPLETELY CLUELESS...I tried hard though, real hard...All I wanted was for my husband to be HAPPY!......He NEVER seemed happy, EVER, he always tugged my arm gently (looking at me with a pathetic sad face) and told me to sit down and then he would thank me kindly for trying

(he looked kind of embarrassed really) 

I tried lotsa stuff...I remember when I was 19, I went on my first business dinner with him...Paul told me to act sophisticated "ummmm, YAY RIGHT!"  That was even harder to do back then than it is today and it's pretty damn tuff today!...The waiter set a glass of wine in front of me (assuming that I was old enough to drink being I was on a business dinner...UMMMMM.... NOPE)  AND SLAM ......AND CHUG........ AND GONE!.....I got elbowed under the table really really hard, (I bet I'm still bruised!) anyway, the guy we were with started sniffing the wine cork (weird and dumb, I still think that's really dumb!) I looked around hoping no one saw how STUPID this guy was acting!!!..... I will never SNIFF a wine cork, if I want to know if the wine is good....I WILL TASTE IT!.....Besides, Boones Farm has a twisty cap and boxed wine doesn't even have a cap or cork,  it has a valve and I'm NOT SHOVING A VALVE UP MY NOSE!!!  Anyway Yes, Paul makes me do all kinds of weird things like I said, his newest weird thing that I have to follow along with while kicking and screaming is, GUNS.... I resisted at first, then I finally realized that I can bank all these weird a$$ things that he makes me do and maybe one day I can cash them all in at once and make him wear a dress, and paint his nails, while we shop together ♥ Wouldn't that be fun!?......The first time that we were going shooting... I thought, "YUP, I'm going to be great at this and cute too and I'm going to put these men to shame with my mad shooting skills...PIECE OF CAKE!!!"....I  pictured myself like this...

.....Awww....I thought I looked darling with a machine gun.....I was even thinking of making something like this my next Christmas card  ♥♥♥...YAY RIGHT, BULL SHIT!!...DARLING????.... NOPE!!!!! ...We went shooting....HOLY CRAP!!!!  THAT'S SCARY!!!!! There is nothing cute or adorable about shooting a gun, AT ALL!!!!...I didn't even want to hold the thing....Knowing  that you are using something that if screw it up EVEN ONCE, you or someone else (hopefully someone else) could DIE, is SCARY AS HELL!!!!  Needless to say, I couldn't control the gun, the kickback was so strong that it blew my shirt clear off my body and threw me back into the trees ....I wish it would have killed me or at least knocked me out .... then maybe this picture NEVER would have surfaced...SHOOT ME PLEASE!!!!!

 

1,000 hits

My blog just passed 1,000 hits ..... Apparently, some people like stupid people that............

1. Ramble (So if yellow and blue make green what does pink and GLITTER make?)
2. Talk about NOTHING (which socks am I going to wear today...hmmm?)
3. Swear (SH!t, A$$, DAMMIT, DUMBA$$ ) <----that was fun, it was like MINI turrets...TRY IT!!!) 
4. Insult them (you know you're dumber than me, right? and plus, your hair looks kinda dumb like that)
4. Trail off into other things (Ooooh...LOOK A BIRD)
5. Act inappropriate (I can't add anything here as I do not wish to call myself out like that)
6. CAN'T COUNT (derr, I put 4 twice!)


Well, I'm glad you like it, I just wish my Creative Writing professor would have liked those things too, maybe then his dumbass would have given me a better grade than an A+....WHO DOES A GIRL HAVE TO SLEEP WITH TO GET A better....ohhh whoops WRONG CLASS!!!!!...Hang on, I know someone tried to sleep with the students.......(mumbling ONLY to myself)...which professor was that? ...hmmm.....Oh Oh OHHH, it was my "FILMS" professor that wanted "A$$ for an A" as I liked to call it ...he was so gross, he should have made an "A$$ FOR AN A" sign for above his door, he tried to sleep with everybody, he was so hard up! hahaha...he was the one that looked like "Colonel Sanders" too, no wonder he couldn't get a$$.... but he could get BREASTS...."CHICKEN BREASTS"...OMG, did I really just say that?!...hehehe.... that was so cheesy, I am ashamed of myself,  I'm so glad that I only said that in my head!............. I'm back, sorry I trailed off for a minute there! It was not my Creative Writing professor that wanted "A$$ for an A" it was my "FILMS" professor....my Creative Writing professor is the one that smelled like cigarettes and beer and I am sorry for the insult "Mr. Whatever your name is" you NEVER tried to sleep with your students. However, being you were so HIGH all the time, you may not have realized that you do owe me an apology.  As you were breathing down my neck telling me to rearrange my paragraphs, I had to hold my breath EVERY DAMN DAY,  cause you reeked of  POT and H2O...I never should have listened to YOU anyway...I'M CLEARLY SMARTER!  YOU CAN'T SMELL LIKE "H2O" DUMBA$$...... THAT'S WATER!!! I learned that in high school chemistry class...and they say if you don't use it you lose it..WELL.... I DIDN'T LOSE THAT ONE, NOW DID I??!!

$%&*^^%$ Bikini's...!!!!!

This is what happens when MEN are left to design clothing!!!!

  %%&$$* Thanks JERKS, way to to make us women feel even more self conscious than we already do...PIGS!!!

I'd like to also thank the makers of hot fudge, chocolate cake, Twix, chocolate chips cookies, and Swedish Fish for making this bikini seem so far away!  While I'm on the subject of bitching about things that I love ALOT but they DO NOT LOVE ME IN RETURN....."THE FOOD AT CHRISTMAS"...I curse you!!!  You were the start of this damn downward spiral!!!

If I were to put on this bikini right now...I promise you, it would LOOK like this! This was last year right after Christmas!

(Ok ok maybe I didn't look like this, but I sure felt like this!)

Thanks again Hersheys, Reeses, and STUPID MEN (sobbing) .....WHY why why can't SWIM SUITS look more like SNOW SUITS????????!!!!!??

AND WHAT!?!?

Ya so I've been gone....what are you gonna do about it? I'd like to say I was gone cause I was saving babies or rescuing the world from evil but those are lies....I have not been blogging because I GOT A LIFE!!!  Just kidding, I still don't have a life...my life is Facebook right? I have heard the rumors....ya buncha jerks!!!....But let me tell you that I can juggle all kinds of stuff....like a lot...Facebook, friends, kids, husband, blog, email, taking the kids to their after school activities....I even cook dinner everyday and my house is clean, my pets are fed, the beds are made, the shopping is done...weird huh, it looks like I just sit here on facebook all day getting dumber!!  NOPE, I sooooo got this!!! ....See I juggle many MEANINGLESS THINGS THAT GET ME NO FARTHER IN LIFE, I do believe it's my calling to amount to ABSOULTY NOTHING!! It's pretty non-important being me...I'm not changing the world or building big companies....I'm just making sure my little piece of the world is all lined up correctly!!!!  While I juggle a lot of things...although, I can't juggle like really juggle though...like juggling balls or torches (then I'd be farther in life, I'd be like a magician or a clown or something super awesome like that)...well, I could juggle balls but I'm not very good at it......WHAT!!!....OMG!! Did you think I meant THOSE balls???  Not in that way...PIG!!!...I meant "balls...balls"... Like actual balls!!! You're so immature, talking to you makes me feel like I'm talking to my 13 year old...EVERYTHING has a HIDDEN meaning...For example, yesterday we went to "Dicks" Sporting goods and that kid had a FEILD DAY!!...(chuckling) he asked me why I needed DICKS? ...then, "Which DICKS are my favorite??"  And my personal favorite question....(he said with confidence) "Why do "I" need DICKS when I already have one???".....WOW!!!!....Yes, I got dumber after that.... WAAAAY DUMBER!!!!!!.....So unless you're going to deal with me with a high level of maturity like I deserve, being I am so highly sophisticated, then just leave me alone!!!...I'm too MATURE for jokes of this nature and I won't laugh hysterically while grabbing my stomach cause it hurts from laughing so hard while my face turns red and I can't breath!!! And you know what else???? ......If you could PLEASE keep your mind on the topic for a minute here, this might just read a little easier....Just a little piece of advice for you....cause every time you read these things I notice that you spring off into other things! Now you see why I quit blogging....You guys NEVER understand me!!!!  EVER!!!!  And you take everything I say and twist it into something stupid, dirty, or just plain WRONG....I QUIT YOU!