I stopped at the store to pick up my Cosmo magazine from behind the cardboard blocker that it's hidden behind cause the titles are so RISQUE' and I giggled to myself thinking, "hmm this is like PLAYBOY but for girls cause the only things behind cardboard blockers are BOOBS and BUTTS....and COSMO!!!" One could then call this..."GIRL PORN" which differs EXTREMELY from "guy porn"... like, in EVERY way possible! YES, you are about to get schooled on "GIRL PORN" if you are too mature or too sophisticated for this...you just log off right now, pour yourself some tea, eat a couple crumpets, and wait till about 3 pm, cause I'll be over to kick your A$$ promptly at that time....So now that the grown ups have left the room... Lemme explain some things that are clearly GIRL PORN (but most girls won't ever admit this)....If there are any guys reading this, first, Lemme say, I'm shocked!!! I'D HATE ME!!! but GREAT!! ...Pay close attention. Second, take notes, go ahead and grab a pen and some paper, I'll wait!!
GIRL PORN......
1. The movie Dirty Dancing....If you guys acted like "Johnny" HOLY HELL!!!!! EVERYONE WOULD HAVE 9.5 children running around...No really!!! Watch this movie with your girl...make one pass at her and BAM...She's yours, I promise...oh yeah, and pretend that you want to watch it cause you like how the girl stands up for herself, TRUST ME!
2. The movie Pretty Woman....DEAR GOD, if you guys acted like Edward...I'd have 4 of you! Watch this movie with your girl and pretend that you really feel for Julia Roberts in the shopping scene and don't talk about how hot VIVIAN is..... EVER!! But instead, speak of how HAPPY you are that she is getting herself out of that lifestyle and finally has some stability (yes, I want you to lie) .....then, hand your girl $50 and BAM...I'm telling you....it will work!!! (yes, it's kind of like paying for sex....SO WHAT!)
3. Romance novels....Stop shaking your head like those aren't GIRL PORN....IT'S GIRL PORN, like it or not!!!....PLUS, "ROMANCE" is in the title EVEN!!!! If you boys were all romantic like that, no girl would ever say "No"....EVER! Be gentle and sweet to her like these guys are and pretend that you give a sh!t what shade her lipstick is and how her hair flows in the beaming sunlight strand by strand until it gently rests upon her flawless bare shoulder......YUP, a guaranteed GOOD NIGHT!
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Ummmm since this is the ONLY picture I could choose to add for the Romance novel..I have to put a warning for the ladies..... "Never sleep with a guy that has "Mullet" in his name or even worse HAS A MULLET!!!"....I can't even believe this is a Romance cover...this CRAP would read more like a COMEDY to me, phmf ...some guy with a "mullet" named "McMullet"!!??....If he tried to come near ME with his "McMullet" he'd pull back a "McSTUMP!!!!!" |
The reasons you men would never do the things on my list.....
1. You think dancing like Patrick Swayze danced in this movie is not masculine.....WE WOMEN ARE TELLING YOU FOOLS, WE LIKE IT!!! DEEERR... who cares what your homeboys think when you are trying to score! YOU lie to WOMEN all the time, just lie to them and tell them you said something REALLY PIG-ISH and it FINALLY worked!!! Their dumbasses will probably give you a high five, a stupid laugh, and tip their 40 ouncer to ya.... (DAMN guys are dumb, after this blog, it's back to talking with you ladies, you guys ARE IRRITATING!)
2. You don't want to run a big ole company just to get a girl like Edward did (I actually don't blame you on that one...You're off the hook here)......and hopefully you'd never let a hooker get in your car (I see you squirming... and I heard the rumor about you last summer......GROSS!!)...ok, so judging by the amount of uncomfortable men I see, most of you are ALMOST an "Edward" and it's because you'd let a HOOKER get in your car...DAMMIT....WHATEVER!!! AUUUGH MEN!
3. You would never act like the guys in Romance novels cause you don't wanna wear tight pants and ruffly shirts and have a sissy name like "Fabio"....WELL, AMEN to that!!! (I understand that one too and nor do we want you to look like a homosexual pirate)....Thank god, but if you could act all romantic every now and then....it may be helpful, just sayin!
4. And as far as the Cosmo magazine goes, who are we fooling, this is the only one of these things that you guys are even willing to try, cause it's the easiest.... it ONLY costs you $5 and a tiny bit of embarrassment at the store buying a magazine with titles like..."How To Tell If He's Really Into You and Flat Out SEXY Sandals For Spring!!" but push that embarrassment aside boys and let her read it and she's yours and you'll be happy too...lots of pointers in there but, BEWARE of the "ROMANCE QUIZZES" they are set up to make you look like TOTAL JERKS!! and clearly you're not!
In summery, If you can't get lucky with MY help, then I guess you're screwed...Actually, you're NOT screwed..you're the OPPOSITE of SCREWED, You're UNSCREWED!! Yeah, so if you can can't get lucky with MY help, then you're UNSCREWED!
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