I'm weird and I'm ok with it

People wouldn't guess that I like nature trails and hiking cause they wanna stereo type me...NOPE, you can't!! I'm not stereo TYPABLE (is that a word?) I would hop on the back of a 4 wheeler on a rainy day and get covered head to toe in mud and love every minute of it and I would go to a fancy restaurant all dressed up while sipping on tea and crumpets (WTH are CRUMPETS???? I never did find that out yet!)  I don't fit any mold, so quit trying.  I'm just "weird" so stereo type me as "weird" and expect the unexpected ...hmmm but then it would be EXPECTED though if you "EXPECTED the UNEXPECTED"  (scratching my head...SHIT!?!? ...I did it again...I'm sooo lost) OK , END OF SUBJECT......Just don't think that you know my next move cause you don't!!  HA!...I just did a "karate MOVE" at the computer...you didn't expect that did you??...NOPE! and  I know you didn't cause that's UNEXPECTED!!...And plus I don't even know karate SO YOU REALLY WOULDN'T EXPECT THAT, CAUSE IT'S NOT EVEN SOMETHING I CAN DO!

Here's something else you didn't expect........

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How do I know that you didn't expect that???  Cause it has no relation to what I'm talking about AT ALL ...and.....OMG! I know what you're thinking and................... STOP IT! 

WOW, Lets just call this little story OVER WITH!!! ....YOU PERVERT!!! I only threw this in here because it is UNEXPECTED!!!  This poor guy just strolled out of the water and wants to dry off and all you are doing is sitting there drooling over him like he's a piece of meat...I'M SURE HE HATES THAT, he never asked for this!!!!!!  I'm sorry really hot guy with ripped abs and a gorgeous face and perfect skin, I cannot be held accountable for what these PIGS are thinking!  (poor guy, I should prolly call him and make sure his feelings aren't hurt)...JERKS!!!

STUPID Guns....I'd rather be SHOPPING!

Husbands make us wives do some pretty weird things......I have had to sit through sporting events and even cheer...I never knew what in the hell I was cheering for...I just cheered for the cutest team or the colors that I like best! I try to make the best out of EVERYTHING!  Whenever everybody else stood up, I did too. I'd scream and try to do that whistle thing that you do with your fingers in your mouth.... I Never did perfect that damn whistle but, I could swear real REAL GOOD...and I'd scream cuss words at them stupid a$$ GOALIES that robbed us of the TKO...STUPID A$$holes...Grrrr!!!!  Really though, I was COMPLETELY CLUELESS...I tried hard though, real hard...All I wanted was for my husband to be HAPPY!......He NEVER seemed happy, EVER, he always tugged my arm gently (looking at me with a pathetic sad face) and told me to sit down and then he would thank me kindly for trying

(he looked kind of embarrassed really) 

I tried lotsa stuff...I remember when I was 19, I went on my first business dinner with him...Paul told me to act sophisticated "ummmm, YAY RIGHT!"  That was even harder to do back then than it is today and it's pretty damn tuff today!...The waiter set a glass of wine in front of me (assuming that I was old enough to drink being I was on a business dinner...UMMMMM.... NOPE)  AND SLAM ......AND CHUG........ AND GONE!.....I got elbowed under the table really really hard, (I bet I'm still bruised!) anyway, the guy we were with started sniffing the wine cork (weird and dumb, I still think that's really dumb!) I looked around hoping no one saw how STUPID this guy was acting!!!..... I will never SNIFF a wine cork, if I want to know if the wine is good....I WILL TASTE IT!.....Besides, Boones Farm has a twisty cap and boxed wine doesn't even have a cap or cork,  it has a valve and I'm NOT SHOVING A VALVE UP MY NOSE!!!  Anyway Yes, Paul makes me do all kinds of weird things like I said, his newest weird thing that I have to follow along with while kicking and screaming is, GUNS.... I resisted at first, then I finally realized that I can bank all these weird a$$ things that he makes me do and maybe one day I can cash them all in at once and make him wear a dress, and paint his nails, while we shop together ♥ Wouldn't that be fun!?......The first time that we were going shooting... I thought, "YUP, I'm going to be great at this and cute too and I'm going to put these men to shame with my mad shooting skills...PIECE OF CAKE!!!"....I  pictured myself like this...

.....Awww....I thought I looked darling with a machine gun.....I was even thinking of making something like this my next Christmas card  ♥♥♥...YAY RIGHT, BULL SHIT!!...DARLING????.... NOPE!!!!! ...We went shooting....HOLY CRAP!!!!  THAT'S SCARY!!!!! There is nothing cute or adorable about shooting a gun, AT ALL!!!!...I didn't even want to hold the thing....Knowing  that you are using something that if screw it up EVEN ONCE, you or someone else (hopefully someone else) could DIE, is SCARY AS HELL!!!!  Needless to say, I couldn't control the gun, the kickback was so strong that it blew my shirt clear off my body and threw me back into the trees ....I wish it would have killed me or at least knocked me out .... then maybe this picture NEVER would have surfaced...SHOOT ME PLEASE!!!!!

 

1,000 hits

My blog just passed 1,000 hits ..... Apparently, some people like stupid people that............

1. Ramble (So if yellow and blue make green what does pink and GLITTER make?)
2. Talk about NOTHING (which socks am I going to wear today...hmmm?)
3. Swear (SH!t, A$$, DAMMIT, DUMBA$$ ) <----that was fun, it was like MINI turrets...TRY IT!!!) 
4. Insult them (you know you're dumber than me, right? and plus, your hair looks kinda dumb like that)
4. Trail off into other things (Ooooh...LOOK A BIRD)
5. Act inappropriate (I can't add anything here as I do not wish to call myself out like that)
6. CAN'T COUNT (derr, I put 4 twice!)


Well, I'm glad you like it, I just wish my Creative Writing professor would have liked those things too, maybe then his dumbass would have given me a better grade than an A+....WHO DOES A GIRL HAVE TO SLEEP WITH TO GET A better....ohhh whoops WRONG CLASS!!!!!...Hang on, I know someone tried to sleep with the students.......(mumbling ONLY to myself)...which professor was that? ...hmmm.....Oh Oh OHHH, it was my "FILMS" professor that wanted "A$$ for an A" as I liked to call it ...he was so gross, he should have made an "A$$ FOR AN A" sign for above his door, he tried to sleep with everybody, he was so hard up! hahaha...he was the one that looked like "Colonel Sanders" too, no wonder he couldn't get a$$.... but he could get BREASTS...."CHICKEN BREASTS"...OMG, did I really just say that?!...hehehe.... that was so cheesy, I am ashamed of myself,  I'm so glad that I only said that in my head!............. I'm back, sorry I trailed off for a minute there! It was not my Creative Writing professor that wanted "A$$ for an A" it was my "FILMS" professor....my Creative Writing professor is the one that smelled like cigarettes and beer and I am sorry for the insult "Mr. Whatever your name is" you NEVER tried to sleep with your students. However, being you were so HIGH all the time, you may not have realized that you do owe me an apology.  As you were breathing down my neck telling me to rearrange my paragraphs, I had to hold my breath EVERY DAMN DAY,  cause you reeked of  POT and H2O...I never should have listened to YOU anyway...I'M CLEARLY SMARTER!  YOU CAN'T SMELL LIKE "H2O" DUMBA$$...... THAT'S WATER!!! I learned that in high school chemistry class...and they say if you don't use it you lose it..WELL.... I DIDN'T LOSE THAT ONE, NOW DID I??!!

$%&*^^%$ Bikini's...!!!!!

This is what happens when MEN are left to design clothing!!!!

  %%&$$* Thanks JERKS, way to to make us women feel even more self conscious than we already do...PIGS!!!

I'd like to also thank the makers of hot fudge, chocolate cake, Twix, chocolate chips cookies, and Swedish Fish for making this bikini seem so far away!  While I'm on the subject of bitching about things that I love ALOT but they DO NOT LOVE ME IN RETURN....."THE FOOD AT CHRISTMAS"...I curse you!!!  You were the start of this damn downward spiral!!!

If I were to put on this bikini right now...I promise you, it would LOOK like this! This was last year right after Christmas!

(Ok ok maybe I didn't look like this, but I sure felt like this!)

Thanks again Hersheys, Reeses, and STUPID MEN (sobbing) .....WHY why why can't SWIM SUITS look more like SNOW SUITS????????!!!!!??

AND WHAT!?!?

Ya so I've been gone....what are you gonna do about it? I'd like to say I was gone cause I was saving babies or rescuing the world from evil but those are lies....I have not been blogging because I GOT A LIFE!!!  Just kidding, I still don't have a life...my life is Facebook right? I have heard the rumors....ya buncha jerks!!!....But let me tell you that I can juggle all kinds of stuff....like a lot...Facebook, friends, kids, husband, blog, email, taking the kids to their after school activities....I even cook dinner everyday and my house is clean, my pets are fed, the beds are made, the shopping is done...weird huh, it looks like I just sit here on facebook all day getting dumber!!  NOPE, I sooooo got this!!! ....See I juggle many MEANINGLESS THINGS THAT GET ME NO FARTHER IN LIFE, I do believe it's my calling to amount to ABSOULTY NOTHING!! It's pretty non-important being me...I'm not changing the world or building big companies....I'm just making sure my little piece of the world is all lined up correctly!!!!  While I juggle a lot of things...although, I can't juggle like really juggle though...like juggling balls or torches (then I'd be farther in life, I'd be like a magician or a clown or something super awesome like that)...well, I could juggle balls but I'm not very good at it......WHAT!!!....OMG!! Did you think I meant THOSE balls???  Not in that way...PIG!!!...I meant "balls...balls"... Like actual balls!!! You're so immature, talking to you makes me feel like I'm talking to my 13 year old...EVERYTHING has a HIDDEN meaning...For example, yesterday we went to "Dicks" Sporting goods and that kid had a FEILD DAY!!...(chuckling) he asked me why I needed DICKS? ...then, "Which DICKS are my favorite??"  And my personal favorite question....(he said with confidence) "Why do "I" need DICKS when I already have one???".....WOW!!!!....Yes, I got dumber after that.... WAAAAY DUMBER!!!!!!.....So unless you're going to deal with me with a high level of maturity like I deserve, being I am so highly sophisticated, then just leave me alone!!!...I'm too MATURE for jokes of this nature and I won't laugh hysterically while grabbing my stomach cause it hurts from laughing so hard while my face turns red and I can't breath!!! And you know what else???? ......If you could PLEASE keep your mind on the topic for a minute here, this might just read a little easier....Just a little piece of advice for you....cause every time you read these things I notice that you spring off into other things! Now you see why I quit blogging....You guys NEVER understand me!!!!  EVER!!!!  And you take everything I say and twist it into something stupid, dirty, or just plain WRONG....I QUIT YOU!

And the truth shall set you FREE

A few things that make me wonder how exactly I picked my friends, cause sometimes I feel alone on this planet

They Have Believed

1. They have believed.....That I got LOST in my own neighborhood...NEVER happened!!!....I got lost about a mile from my house, NOT in my subdivision! I said "my own neighborhood" just because it sounded funny and now I'll never live it down!
2. They have believed.....That I thought PIG LATIN was an ACTUAL language...I guess if you tell a friend that you would be JUST FINE in a foreign country because you know "Pig Latin" you better not sound so convincing...you better giggle when you say it or she may think that you are for real and that you will say, "cusemea, oda ouya owna erewha the toresa is?" To find the closest store.
3.  They have believed.....That they DIDN'T look fat in that dress...SHE LOOKED HUUUUGE!!!! (kidding, I would tell the truth, unless of course she wanted me to lie, but how would I know that?  Who ever says "Do I look fat? Lie to me!".....Ohhhh....OK, NOW I GET IT....You're just supposed to lie)
4. They have believed.....That I wasn't sure if Bobby was actually mine. We would need a DNA test!...(ARE YOU KIDDING ME?)
4. They have believed.....THAT I HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE......Cmon, do I look dumb to you.... NO REALLY, how about when I close one eye ?   Do I look dumb now? Whatta bout now...I have my eyes crossed and I scrunched up my face ..Do I look dumb now?



Things I have heard friends say to me that made THEM look REALLY STUPID!!!

They Have Said

1.  They have said...Erin, you're dumb!
2.  They have said....Erin, are you serious?
3.  They have said....Erin, you CAN'T do that!!!!
4.  They have said....Erin, did you sleep with my brother?........THAT WOKE YOU UP DIDN'T IT!!!  That never happened....WOW.... YOU'RE DUMB! Now don't go believing that I did sleep with someones brother, cause then I have to put it up in the "They Have Believed" part of this.....Although, I guess I did sleep with "SOMEONES" brother...PAUL does have a sister but, she never has asked me if Paul and I have slept together???????...I guess I'll just wait for her to confront me on that one, I HOPE SHE'S NOT MAD!

It's still science bitches! 10 points for me!

As you know, I don't exercise my brain much, unless it is ABSOLUTELY necessary....this is one of those times.......My perfume ran out...GONE!!... DEAD!!.... EMPTY!!...So I bought more but, it didn't smell the same AT ALL!!!  This may seem like small potatoes, but it bothered me!!! (not small potatoes, like "my perfume smells like small potatoes" that would be gross...I don't wanna smell like small potatoes)  Anyway, I know they didn't change the formula (<--big sciencey word 5 points) because I called and asked. Something was definitely different though!!!...I have been wearing this scent for years and I LOVE IT! I can't just let this be! So using the scientific mind that I have, I pondered (<--big word, 5 points) how this could be and what are some possible variables (<---HOOLLLY SH!T, I SOUND SMART, 10 pts) that could have changed the scent...It must be something I did...hmmmm.... I thought about this alot.....maybe my body chemistry changed therefore, changing the scent (<---that just sounds REALLY extra smart, 15 points)...but, nope that's not it!!  LIGHT BULB MOMENT!!!!!....OMG...I get it....I have 1 bottle in my house and 1 bottle in my car....the bottle  in my car smells BEAUTIFUL but the bottle in my house smells  BORRRING!.......MEANING... a chemical change has occurred with the perfume that's in my car because of the temperature change that occurs in my car (<----YUP, THAT'S ALL ME, call me Einstein and give me 20 points)...so I took my "house" bottle of perfume and put it in the car so that it can go through this same chemical change (<---scientific words...20 points)....and you know what ....IT DID!!!!...SOOOO not only did I figure out the issue but, I have a unique perfume that NO ONE ELSE HAS!!!  HA!  It's still science BITCHES!!!  It's just the only kind of science that I care to figure out!!! ...........YES, I'm kind of a big deal! You all better watch out..... if I ever decide to become the first female president.... you all will smell like candy and life will be based on a points system... for example, my "smart points" equals 85...for today and my "cool points" are always way too high to calculate!!